I look back at my own words over the last year and see the recurring theme; how to handle being a LEOW. How to handle constant change, how to be flexible, how to maintain your sanity in the face of your own fears; how to stay calm through adversity.  I talk about being patient, being kind, being forgiving. I’ve talked about learning to give before expecting to receive. I’ve talked about the rewards received when you eliminate selfishness from your mentality.  I’ve talked about having faith, being honest, owning your own faults, accepting your weaknesses and growing through them until they become strengths.  I’ve talked about being strong, being independent, being capable. I’ve talked about letting go and letting God. I’ve talked about knowing your limits, knowing when to step back, take a break, allow your LEO to be your backup, your superhero.

 

I’ve found myself at that end of the spectrum, that place where you realize you are all about preaching and not practicing, all about supporting and not accepting; all about helping others to find their way while you stand still on a dead end road.  I’ve found myself being forced to acknowledge the vast difference between wants and capability; the difference between your dreams of change, your hopes and visions of a better future; your belief that somehow, someway the world can still be stirred enough to evolve……and the reality that all you’ve dreamed of is as easy to reach as lassoing the moon.

 

I’ve realized that regrets are useless until they invoke enlightenment. I’ve realized that enlightenment without the next leap of fate is futile. I’ve come to terms with the fact that failure is a part of everyday reality, but it is the knowledge and strength you gain from failure which drives you to determined achievement.

 

I’ve learned that you can never change the past, but the future is always in your own hands.  I’ve learned that self-pity is nothing more than fear of accomplishment. I’ve learned that low expectations are a form of personal protection. I’ve learned that forgiveness is more about allowing yourself to move forward than allowing those who have hurt you to be free from guilt they most likely never possessed.  I’ve learned that goals and aspirations are attainable only as long as you ignore those who desire to relish in your demise.  I’ve learned you are only as worthy as the worth you see in yourself. I’ve learned ambition is tireless and complacency is deadly. 

 

I’ve learned that moments are to be treasured, memories are made of moments, true love is unconditional and time does not heal all wounds. I’ve learned that loving unconditionally is not always painless but is always prosperous, although not always realized in the manner you expected.  I’ve learned at times you must walk away from what you have always known in order to find the path which has been right in front of your eyes. I’ve learned that faith is blind and requires you to trust your own instinct.  I’ve learned honesty is always the best policy as without it you are continually falsifying your own character.  I’ve learned character is defined not only by actions but by intent.  I’ve learned that owning your faults is the best path to conquering your own personal obstacles. I’ve learned acceptance of self is the first step to personal growth.  I’ve learned that facing your fears is a step towards peace. I’ve learned that peace only comes from resignation of the past and the release of fault, whether by others or yourself.  I’ve learned that contentment is priceless and gratitude is invaluable.

 

One thing I’ve left to learn is how to accept that which cannot be changed.  How to relinquish control of what you thought you knew as truth. How to resign yourself that time only moves forward and regardless of how forgiving and accepting and tolerable you are, it is still that which can never be changed that haunts us.   And it is then that you find yourself right back where you started, relearning all you have come to know again….until you make peace with yourself and are able to let go, forever learning, forever growing. We can always do better.

It was one of those days. A day when autism and sensory overload had a grip on my son from the moment his eyes opened before the crack of dawn.  It is those same days which always seem to coincide with days in which things must get done. Days when you must make it to feeding, swallowing, speech, occupational or ABA therapy. Days when you've had that post op GI appointment or another therapy eval which took six months to schedule.  It is the same days where prescriptions are waiting to be picked up and where there is absolutely nothing left to eat in the house.

Autism could care less what you absolutely have to get done on any given day. Sensory Processing Disorder seems to enjoy causing mayhem in the lives of those it torments. That day, was no exception.  From the complaints of his clothes being itchy and his hair being "sharp" and the smell of my coffee being "deezgusting" and making him want to "bomit", I knew this day would be a peach.  He was on the verge of a full fledged meltdown and there was no question....it wasn't a matter of if, but when. 

I loaded my son into the SUV, along with his cup of apple juice, his bottle of water (just in case), his blue police car, NOT the red truck,  the red truck is gross! His American flag, his one orange flip flop, his one blue flip flop, his baggie of chips, his wet wipes and hand sanitizer and his chewy sensory necklace.  Oh...headphones. NEVER forget the headphones.  I then loaded Service Dog Kozmo, his leash, his tether, his backpack and his portable dog bowl.....and NOW, we are finally ready to attempt a Wal-Mart trip which is only a mile from our house. 

As we pulled into the parking lot, and not before, it dawned on me that I hadn't given one thought to my attire, nor my personal appearance. I don't know what upset me more....the fact that I never even crossed my own mind, or that when I finally did, I still didn't have the energy to care.  As I looked in the rear view mirror thoughts of "that can't be healthy" and "Oh well, who gives a rats ass" kept swirling around in my head.  I quickly adjusted the mirror out of my line of sight and focused on the task at hand.

As we made our way across the parking lot it began.... sensory overload and complaints of the heat of the sun making his head itch, the wind making his shirt touch his skin, the tether around his waist being scratchy and the noise!! The unbearable noise of shopping carts resonating the noise of vibrating wheels bouncing off the pavement, amplified in the ears of the boy who smells and sees and feels and hears everything on an elevated level.  Right in the middle of the crosswalk the dog begins to alert as he is trained to do, pulling me towards my son, blocking him in order to shield him from his own environment and I forcibly struggle to get them out of the parking lot and into the store.  We spend the next fifteen minutes searching for the perfect cart amongst carts which will never be perfect.  Too squeaky, too rattly, too shaky, too bouncy.....pushing cart after cart for a test drive until finally we find one which won't make his skin crawl.

We weren't even three rows in before it began..... between the smells of the bakery and deli, to the chatter of store patrons amongst themselves, to the brightness of the fluorescent lighting, the clatter of shopping cart wheels askew,  to the shrills and shrieks of those seeing a fire breathing unicorn.....err..... service dog, in a store for the first time, I had no doubt that I had perhaps, if lucky, 15 minutes before a meltdown of mass proportion took place right in the middle of the frozen food aisle.  The thought of cart ditching and bolting for the parking lot ever increasingly present in my mind, I happened to catch a glimpse of myself in the dairy freezer door.  Embarrassment in the form of a flushed heat crawling up the back of my neck as my eyes filled with tears, I struggled to hold it together.  Memories flooding back of just two summers before when I threw on short shorts and a workout tank with a ball cap and leisurely looked amazing while I took my time in the organic aisle while the hubby watched our son, now replaced with my own reflection of sloppy yoga pants, my husband's t-shirt and yesterday's mascara still in place while I juggled an angry overloaded child on the verge and a service dog having an anxiety attack over the state of his boy.  Hot mess was the ultimate understatement and for whatever reason the reality of my title of "Special Needs Mom" seemed to hit me like a wave of bricks.

And then.....it happened.

"Excuse me, ma'am?"

Umm.....yes?

"I just wanted to say you're an extremely beautiful woman and mother"

Huh? Crickets. What? Me? Deer in headlights. Speechless.

Let me be perfectly clear that I immediately knew, with 150% certainty that this nineteen year old (at best) was in no way hitting on this 44 year old hot mess of a mom.  It was much more than that.  After thanking him, with tears rolling down my face, I soaked up that comment like a thirsty sponge.  "beautiful woman and mother".

I'll never know if this young man has a sibling with special needs, or if he was raised by a single mother who struggled to make it on her own.  Or if he was raised by his father after losing his mother, or if he experienced some sort of pain which led him to be so intuitive.  Whatever the case may be, he was clearly raised right and this young man looked well past the surface of a clearly discombobulated woman and he spoke directly to my pain.  He spoke his words with purposeful intent. He spoke the words he knew I needed to take to heart.  "You are a beautiful woman and mother".  It was as if, for whatever reason, he knew my focus was on the surface that day.... and he reminded me of the center of my world. 

Regardless of whether we have special needs kids or not, mothers are particularly prone to putting themselves on the back burner for the sake of their families. There are plenty of fathers and step parents and foster parents and grandparents who do the same.  I personally try to keep a balance but will be the first to admit that by the time I tackle autism, I'm just plain worn out. I dedicate all that I have to my son and his needs and to my police officer husband who has taken on every extra job and grant shift in order for me to be home with our son. I am admittedly the last thought on my list.

For the Wal-Mart employee that day..... I see what you did there.  I thank you for the reminder, and I want you to know how much I needed to hear it.  I hope all those who are dedicated to their children take the time to remember just how beautiful they truly are, especially when beautiful is the last thing they feel.  It takes a beautiful soul to dedicate your life to others.  I can only pray that I will raise a son as compassionate as that young man in Wal-Mart the other day.  Faith in humanity.....restored.

~Mel
The Adventures of Izzy & Kozmo

A status popped up on my personal feed today. It was posted by a good family friend, an Oklahoma deputy who is an amazing  husband and daddy to three little ones. Like many little boys who have a mommy or daddy in law enforcement, Eric's little boy looks up to his daddy....his hero.  And when I read his status it stopped me cold...because for the first time, I think it truly hit me, that I could relate.   It has only been in the last year that I have had thoughts that I cannot wait until my husband has his twenty-five in and in the meantime I will continue to try and convince him we can make it somehow financially if he gets out at twenty. It has only been in the past year or so that I began to sincerely hope and pray our son loses his interest in law enforcement.   It has only been in the last year or so that I've had pangs of fear in thinking my son would follow in his father's footsteps.  And to be honest, it saddens me greatly to have those feelings.

The following is a copy of the status which Deputy Eric Haskins posted tonight.  I think it speaks volumes.  And in a way, I think it's a sad truth for many of us.   I pray to God it changes.  We need to get back to the days when children saw law enforcement officers as heroes and when parents taught children from an early age that respect for authority is a good thing. We need to get back to the place where police officers instill thoughts of safety and refuge and protection to the masses and where the sensationalized glorification of every bad deed by an officer isn't sought out for a rise in ratings by mainstream media. We need to get back to the day when a cop delivering a baby on the side of the road or a deputy helping the elderly make it across the street or a trooper allowing kids to remain cool in their cruiser while changing a tire for a stranded mother is newsworthy and how the public perceives us because our actions allow nothing else to be considered.  We need to get back to the days where the public doesn't condemn us all for the actions of a few.  I pray those days return, but I fear they will not....and therefore, I fear for the future generations of law enforcement.  It amazes me that it seems to escape those bound and determined to eliminate the thin blue line... as if there's been no consideration for the anarchy which would become without the peacekeepers.
~Mel


by Deputy Eric Haskins
My Son: Dad, I want to be a Deputy just like you when I grow up.

Me: NO!!!

Son: But I really want to help people, like you, and get bad guys.

Me: No!!!

Years ago, I would dream of my son following in my footsteps. Ferguson has once again instilled in me that I want none of my children following my footsteps. I refuse to let my kids be judged in the court of public opinion by people who have never put on a shield and stood toe to toe with evil. I render no opinion on the shooting itself, but once again a sector of the population has risen up to vilify someone for a choice that was made under duress. A choice that the individual has to live with the rest of his life. Is nobody asking what choices the young man made that put him in that situation? I mean from all accounts, I believe that almost everybody agrees that he was the suspect reported from the robbery, right?

That officer put on his armor, went to work and stood his ground against a documented strong armed robbery suspect. A suspect whose pictures simply portray a young man in a cap and gown, because the state sponsored media refuses to post the pictures of him throwing gang signs and pointing a pistol at the camera. Three teens killed a person in this state for fun, but because the color scheme was reversed, the media largely ignored it.

The Attorney General of the United States visited the family. The President of the United States spoke to the family. Trayvon Martin's mother posted an open letter in Time magazine all but calling for increased violence.

Why was the same not done with the officer? Because the administration itself encourages the drama. It's good for business, takes the attention off the man behind the curtain.

"if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land." (2 Chronicles 7:14 NIV)

There's a new challenge in town. A challenge to all those who love a law enforcement officer.  The challenge comes in the wake of the wave of condemnation, distrust, apathy and hatred for so many in law enforcement, when there is no validity to justify it.  Those of us in the law enforcement community are accustomed to such hatred. There's nothing new about the media sensationalizing every bad cop story they can get their hands on and ignoring every good cop story under the pretense of "that's their job and my tax dollars pay for that".   Well, here's the deal.... 99.9999% of officers are remarkable men and women who put their lives on the line daily in order to save the lives of innocents.  Those officers will lay down their lives without hesitation for one of their own in need, or for a citizen whose life is in danger.  However.... there is a growing misguided opinion amongst the public that there's not much more to an officer than the badge on their chest and the power it holds..... and that is the farthest thing from the truth. 

THE CHALLENGE IS THIS:  TELL WHO YOUR OFFICER (OR THE ONE YOU KNOW AND LOVE) REALLY IS ASIDE FROM THE BADGE.  I accept the challenge started by LEOW Davina Agee, and I challenge each and every officer spouse, partner, loved one, friend and family member to do the same.  Use the hashtag #leowchallenge and continue the challenge by tagging friends, family and supporters of LE to take the challenge.

The Officer in my life is my husband, and this is who he really is....
(and being an advocate for law enforcement, I'm including who my officer is, including the badge).

Officer Bervis Littles of the Edmond, OK Police Department is a 17+ year veteran patrol officer. He is also a suicide prevention officer, and QPR (suicide prevention) instructor. He is a member of the Crisis Intervention Team.  He is an FTO and LEDT instructor, a hostage negotiator, lake patrol officer, SRO and member of the honor guard team.   He grew up in poverty on the south side of Oklahoma City never knowing or meeting his father.  His mother worked numerous jobs to make ends meet and he spent a lot of his time being cared for by other family members while his single mother was doing her best to care for her children.  He saw drugs and crime and violence on his local streets....  He worked in order to help his mother and make a way for himself to attend college. He pursued his lifelong dream of becoming a police officer and has been an officer for over 17 years.  He is a father, a brother, a son, a husband, and a best friend to many.  He has three grown step-children, two girls in college and a son with autism, dysphagia and seizure disorders.  He has a work ethic like nothing I've ever seen.  He's missed virtually every holiday, birthday and anniversary I can remember because he will do what it takes to provide for his family and he refuses to leave a shift shorthanded. 

He has the biggest heart of anyone I've ever seen.  There are countless times our checking account has been overdrawn while waiting for payday and he has used the last bit of security money in his pocket to put gas in the car of a stranded single mother.  He has had to remove countless children from domestic situations and sickening home environments and he quickly pulls a stuffed animal from his trunk, asks the child what music he/she likes, then drives them to get a meal before having to hand them over to the state.  It is those same nights you will find him lingering in the hallway of our home at 3am while he gazes into the bedroom of our son, while holding back tears for the babies he just left in a state of uncertainty.   He is the officer who is approached over a decade later by a man who approaches him seemingly out of nowhere to say "You are Officer Littles, you held my sister's hand while she was dying on the roadway. She was pregnant and scared and dying and alone...... and you never left her side".   He is the same officer who will choke back his emotions immediately after an encounter like that, squeeze my hand and simply say "I need to get out of here...now".   You see, he's not allowed to be human in the public eye.  He's just a badge.  He's worthless.  He's aggressive.  He's violent.  He's a bully.  He's got a chip on his shoulder.  He's looking for a reason to kill someone.    Nothing is farther from the truth. 

He's the big strong man whose cried in my arms after losing a child.  He's the arrogant cop I've had to wake in the midst of nightmares more nights than I can remember..... and upon waking he says "I couldn't get to them quick enough".  He's the officer who works over 80 hours per week, comes home exhausted and lays in the floor to play with his son.  He's the big tough guy who had certain dreams and goals and hopes for his only son, only to have to accept his son is autistic... and he immediately embraced it and took on the attitude of "what do we do to help our son be all he can be?"  He is the man who encouraged me to quit my job in the legal field, knowing it was more than his income, knowing how devastating it would financially be, but who put more value on me being with our son for evaluations and therapies and surgeries and homeschooling, even though it meant even more sacrifice for himself in order to pay the bills.  He is the man who took his mother in to live with us and support financially so she could enjoy some sort of retirement.  He is the father who still helps his daughters who are in college by paying their cell phone and insurance bills.  He is the officer who will get a call from a friend while he is off duty...keys locked in a car, locked out of your house, problems with your teenager?? Call my husband....he's your man. 

He's the school resource officer who will get discredited after seventeen years on the street for becoming a "babysitter", even though he has more arrests and drug busts and thefts in the schools than he ever did on the streets. He will take the time to mentor every child in those schools who were just like him growing up.....no father, no money and a feeling of hopelessness and he will encourage them and guide them and make them promise him they won't give up on themselves. 

He's the officer who takes the time to talk with those he is obligated to arrest. He will ask them how they ended up in his back seat, he will not be so quick to judge them for their actions but will encourage them to ask themselves what they can do to change their own lives.

He's the love of my life.  He's the man who came into my life after I was married to a bad cop.  He's the one who showed me that his character defined him, not his badge.  He is the man who showed me love I never thought possible.  He's the man who loved me back to life.  He's the father of my son, he's my best friend, he's my world.  He's the one I beg and plead and pray will be returned to me at the end of his shift.  He's the one I want to grow old with.....not grow old remembering. 

This is who my officer truly is.  Please..... please take note before hating him without knowing him. 

To all the LEOWs and to those who love an officer..........please...... tell me about yours.

~Mel
Melissa Littles, Founder,
The Police Wife Life.

This is a follow up post from my Ferguson Riots, As seen from a different point of view post. 

A week has passed since the death of M. Brown.  Although new information continues to come to light, there are still many unanswered questions.  We now know the name of the officer who shot the deceased. We have now seen video surveillance tape of the deceased participating in a strong armed robbery just prior to his death. We have an admission from his friend who was with him that they indeed participated in the strong armed robbery just prior to his death.  We also have the words of the Ferguson Chief of Police that the strong armed robbery was unrelated to the death of M. Brown.  We have numerous accounts from eye witnesses and hearsay accounts from those close to the officer.  We have a sketchy recording of an unidentified bystander who witnessed the shooting which seems to corroborate the hearsay testimony of those close to the officer.  What we still do not have are any conclusive investigative results which corroborates either side's version, and therefore, despite any of our rushes to judgment, in reality, we are all as we began....waiting.  That being said, just as in my first post, I will not be commenting on the guilt or innocent theories in my own head, and will be addressing matters which have caused my head to spin in the past week.

In my first article on the Ferguson riots I made it clear I was posting from the view of being a white woman who is married to a black police officer. I also stated that our children are bi-racial.  I am writing this article based on the same perspective, as it is the only perspective I can have. It is who I am, and it is who we are as a family.

I have read countless postings and watched countless news stories and press releases over the past week.  One theme seems to resonate - sensationalized bandwagon jumping.  The media is guilty of it. Citizens are guilty of it. Politicians are guilty of it and organized groups are guilty of it.  I've done my best to not jump the same bias bandwagon of my choice and I will be the first to own, it's difficult for me.  My husband is an officer and I do not like what I am seeing aimed at law enforcement as a WHOLE, rather than at the individual officer involved. Likewise I am having a difficult time reconciling how those who are demanding justice have already condemned this officer before the facts are conclusive, when they are taking such a devout view that is was prejudgment that led to the death of M. Brown.

In my previous post I stated that racism is alive and real in this country, and it most certainly is.  Being a white woman married to black police officer with mixed race children, one of who has special needs, and living in the bible belt of America in a relatively affluent suburb, I can assure you I have experienced racism on many occasions and on many levels.

I have been approached by white women at Wal-mart who have thanked me for adopting my "poor little black boy".  I have been approached by black women who have given their snide comments that I "took another black man off the market".  I have been told countless times by white people "Oh, I saw your husband on his police motorcycle yesterday", and I have witnessed my husband experience racism on more levels that I could put into words.   I have had people in the waiting area of hospitals and doctor's offices ask me if I am a caretaker for the special needs child with me..."you know, like foster care?", and I have been told that mixing the races "gave that boy the autism".

First of all.... I never knew the adoption agency had access to my uterus and should they have asked to deliver the little black boy via my birth canal I would have taken issue with that.  I "got" that little black boy the old fashioned way, thanks very much.   Secondly, although he was extremely attractive, I did not tote my Glock into the police department, place it to my husband's head and force him "off the market" and into a relationship with me, nor did I force him to procreate with me, nor am I responsible for why he's never dated or married a black woman, he seems to have a mind of his own and is in fact, a grown ass man.  You will have to take up that question with him.  I'm sure glad he chose me.  Thirdly, you have never seen my husband on a police motors unit... he is not a motors unit officer and never has been.  There IS however, a black officer in our city (one of only four out of over 100 officers) that is a motors cop.... so you actually saw a black officer on a police motorcycle... I know... easy mistake... especially in this town where there's only four black officers who look exactly alike (sarcasm intended).  And as far as "mixing the races" being a cause of autism.... how about dysphagia? and seizure disorders? Our son has that as well, so I just need to know if I should check into that.... and could you explain all the white and asian and latino and "legit all black" kids with autism?  How did that happen to them?   Oh... and when you get pulled over by a black cop and you happen to be white, using the whole "he hates white people" really comes off as ignorant when the screen saver in his patrol unit includes the photo of his white wife and bi-racial children. But you didn't ever consider that, did you?   And when you take your ass up to the high school where my husband has arrested your black child and before you've ever laid eyes on my husband have spouted off with your loud mouth to school administration that the "pig" is picking on another young black male....you might want to actually SEE the school resource officer before stating such ignorance.... I know, easy mistake to make in a yuppy town with only four black cops on the payroll, but turns out not everything is about your kid being black, sometimes it's just about his illegal drug use and theft.

Yes..... I KNOW RACISM.  I know it well.  As a mother to a child who no one would identify as "mixed" without seeing me with him, I too know about the fears of my child being profiled by the police.  I have no doubt that if my child were a teenager, wearing a hoodie, walking the sidewalk, with a group of black teens, in our yuppy suburb, chances are someone would wonder what the hell those boys were up to.  And yes... I have no doubt whatsoever that it would only take one jackass whitey to call in the police saying a "gang" of blacks were doing all kinds of "things" out in the "streets".  That's a very real possibility for my son and I have genuine concerns about it.   HOWEVER..... (there's the but)  here's what I don't understand....

How in the world are those members of the black community who are perpetrating violence and mayhem against innocents and law enforcement in general helping??  How can anyone justify chanting death threats to the officer when they themselves are in an upheaval over the death of another young black man? How can anyone jump to the conclusion that this officer just decided to take out a man in the middle of the street, in front of multiple witnesses, in broad daylight, for absolutely no reason whatsoever.  How can anyone assume he has absolutely no humanity whatsoever?  How can anyone NOT even remotely ponder that he may have feared for his own life?  Not saying shooting M. Brown was justified, not saying there weren't other options....because we do not know yet.... but how can we justify the assumption that this officer after a life with no police record, while working in law enforcement, while having a known history of being a well liked, fair, just and honorable officer, just decided that day was the day to become a cold, calculated murderer??

It is those same people who are horrified that M. Brown was gunned down for simply being black, walking down the street.  We are to ignore it because he has no lengthy criminal history. We are to ignore the strong armed robbery committed just moments before his death. We are to ignore everything but his graduation photo and those with his family...... but can ANY SINGLE one of those wishing this officer dead say they would ignore the officer having multiple complaints of officer brutality?  Would they ignore if he had been placed on administrative leave in the past for an altercation with a black male....or even a white male for that matter.... after all, if we're all honest wouldn't we say without a doubt if this officer had beaten the shit out of others in the past that there would be signs and chants "HOW MANY??  WHEN IS ENOUGH??"   If we all own our own truth, we know better.  Should this officer had any past infractions in law enforcement those with hatred for him would be using it for all they could....... just as so many are using M. Brown's history as proof of his character.   It is human nature..... and so is denial of same.

I honestly believe there are a vast amount of members of all races, who are genuinely concerned with true justice for M. Brown.  They want the truth.  The whole truth.  And I truly believe once the facts are all known, that those sensible members of the melting pots of America will accept what is revealed and the justice which will be served.  If this officer was unjust in the shooting, I believe those with sense and sensibility will wholeheartedly agree he should be served justice accordingly. I also believe that there is a pocket of America who is not interested in any truth, regardless of what shall be, but simply their own agenda. 

To those who refuse to acknowledge truth, they will never acknowledge the facts which are the latest full year FBI Statistic compilation.  2,648 black Americans were murdered in the 2012 calendar year and of the 2,648 black murder victims, 2,412 were murdered by a member of their OWN RACE.   That leaves 193 murders of the 2,684 being carried out by a white person.  Additionally, in 2012, almost 500 more whites were killed than blacks.  Somehow, despite the facts, they will only see that white pigs are out to murder every black boy they see.... and no change can ever come from that.

Those who are promoting and inciting violence upon their fellow man, law enforcement in general, their communities and specifically chanting for the death of the officer, have done nothing but discredit themselves.  There is no worth in savagery. There is no justifying the destruction and mayhem.  Regardless of your plight, it will not work.

At the end of the day I can only speak my own truth.  I am a white woman, married to a black officer and today I fear for his safety from the black community, more so than from the skinheads and sovereign citizens who preach their hatred for not only blacks, but also the police.   My husband is an eighteen year veteran patrol officer.  He is a suicide prevention officer, a hostage negotiator, a crisis intervention officer, he leaves the streets nine months a year to work in the high schools. He makes it his mission to mentor young black men on the importance of making their own honest way in life, a life in which many cases is faced with racism.  He tells them his story of growing up in the same hood they did, with the same circumstances.  He tells them his truth of being one of only four black officers on a force of over a hundred...as in, it's not necessarily going to get easy for you.  He also teaches them that despite being a black man in today's society, there is no excuse for taking the wrong path. YOU and YOU alone are accountable for your actions.  You can only use your neighborhood as an excuse for so long. At some point you must own yourself.  And he teaches another truth..... racism will always be a part of your life.  As a black man you most likely will always be looked upon by many as less.  You may very well be profiled.  You may very well be judged by the color of your skin, but there is no one more powerful than YOU ALONE to change that and you and you alone dictate how much power you allow racism over your life.

Despite being an officer who has done nothing but honor his badge and dedicated his life to truly desiring to make a difference to his community, he is still judged..... I'm not sure which upsets me more?  That he is judged for being black or that he is judged and convicted simply because of the brass on his chest.  Perhaps I'm just tired of him being judged at all, as for police officers being judged goes way past the color of their skin. There is no other occupation which is systematically grouped and judged as a whole.  We never look to hold only those who are corrupt accountable....it's always "ALL" cops. My husband isn't ALL cops.  No officer is ALL cops.  And very few officers and families of officers have any sympathy for a bad cop.  There's not a corrupt cop out there that I can trust to take a bullet for my husband... and there's no doubt my husband would take a bullet for any of his brothers or sisters in blue.... as well as any stranger.  To anyone who tries to lessen my husband's character simply because of the badge he wears, your input is worthless.  I know very well who that man is, and he doesn't deserve to be gunned down simply for "signing" up to be hated.  "The only good cop is a dead cop".... that speaks volumes about our society.  If my husband encounters those willing to slaughter him in order to avoid arrest or simply because of their hatred, I pray to God he doesn't reach for a taser, or aim for a leg.  He's my world, and my children's world and if you expect me to hope "slowing down" a threat to his life is enough, then you've never spent a day in our shoes.

Despite the racism my husband encounters from his own race, and others, he refuses to compromise his character. He lives life with dignity in the face of adversity.  He refuses to stoop the the level of those who judge him.  If he encounters unfairness, he handles himself with dignity and abides by the laws he did not make, but agrees to follow as an American citizen.  If he is wronged, he goes about righting it legally, ethically, and morally..... he stands by his own truth and refuses to engage in anything which could reduce his character.  Despite the racism I encounter I choose to do the same and I choose to raise my young black son in the same manner.  Do I fear for him.... in some senses, yes. I do.  But I also know that the foundation I lay for him will help him remember to stand upon his own character, regardless of the lack of character of others.

In the past week I have seen such a growing misplaced hatred which is pointless with no hope for a change effecting outcome.  It is truly sad that this is the world we are leaving for our children.   There's not a single one of us who can honestly say we can't do better..... but there are so many who are completely unwilling to stop themselves and just do better.   Own your truth....act accordingly.  "Be the change you want to see in the world"..... it's not just a cliche quote we all read on the internet.  It holds worth.

Melissa Littles,
Founder, The Police Wife Life

We've all heard the phrase..."there's something about a man in uniform". For those who have done nothing more than enjoy the view, there is a lot more to consider before making a decision to be a part of all the uniform entails. Being the wife of a police officer is not for the weak, nor the self centered, nor the needy, clingy, insecure or high maintenance type of woman.

I remember him calling me for the first time on his lunch break from his patrol car. Within ten minutes it became very clear that if a relationship with a police officer was anything like trying to carry on a simple phone conversation with a police officer, challenging was going to be an understatement. Between the radio squawking in the background to the interruptions of other officers talking back and forth, his attention being distracted by passing traffic and the mid-sentence "I have to call you back", which happened at least five times during that first 30 minute conversation, I knew I was in store for something on a whole other level.

Being a police wife or "LEO wife" as we are known, is quite the interesting life. Police marriages fall victim to an extremely high divorce rate, and there is a good reason for that. Let me start off by saying just as in all professions, there is good and bad in everything somewhere down the line. It is true that there are good cops who honor the badge and bad cops who don't. Those who uphold their duty as officers and honor the badge far outweighs those who do not. And those who do not should be held accountable for abusing their power and should be stripped of it and punished accordingly. Just as in all professions, the good cops will tell you they have no appreciation or tolerance for those who misuse their power and in turn, contribute to the negative image many have of the police. It is difficult sometimes even talking to family or close friends about a life in law enforcement due to so many misconceptions of the true character of the majority of officers. Many times you are immediately brushed off by those who really aren't interested in hearing about it because being married to a cop, people either love you or hate you. The fact remains, whether you love cops or hate cops, everyone dials 911 when they have an emergency, and if you are one who considers the police an enemy, you are still the first to expect them to be there to assist you. Regardless of your opinion of them, they will still be there in your time of need. As the saying goes....."Hate cops? Next time you're in trouble, call a crackhead." Let me know how that works out. That being said, I, like so many other LEO wives, am married to a good cop. This is our story.

The abnormalities of a LEO wife's day begin with the shift. We do not base our days on normal hours, our days coordinate with whatever shift our LEO is working. There is no such thing as a standard 8 hour day in the life of a LEO or a LEO wife. In an average week you will have several days where the end of his shift comes many hours after it ended. A simple traffic stop turns into a drug bust, another officer calls for backup, there is a multiple vehicle collision and they need more officers. A LEO wife learns to cook dinner for her family, and keep a plate warm in the oven. In a LEO household dinner can be midnight or later, breakfast is at lunchtime, and lunchtime can be as late as 9:00p.m. There are many times I will try and meet my husband somewhere for "lunch" only to be left waiting because a call came in while he was in route to eat, or I will end up going home without ever seeing him at all. Times he will plan to come in for dinner are often thwarted for the same reasons. All that effort you put in marinating that steak, or fixing his favorite dessert will most times go unnoticed. You will put your children to bed most nights alone while explaining that Daddy loves them, he's just out making sure we're all safe. You will sleep with one eye open, both ears focused on the sound of the garage door and your cell phone on your pillow. Your children will learn to recognize the sound of the garage door opening at a very early age, and they too will sleep a little better after Daddy comes in and kisses their little cheeks.

Holidays, special occasions, anniversary's and birthdays are just days you must be prepared to work around. My LEO works lake patrol in the summer months. For us, there is no such thing as the Fourth of July or Memorial Day or Labor Day. We will never be available for the family reunion or summer picnic on any of those three day weekends. If you want to take your children to see fireworks, be prepared to go alone because not only does he work all weekend, he is working mandatory overtime 12-16 hour shifts. And although if he does have seniority he can actually get the holiday off, chances are he will sign up to work overtime, trying to get ahead just a little bit....after all, one may think you would get a little more money in the bank by walking around with a bull's eye on your back for a living, but for some reason, all that public service comes at one heck of a bargain.

Trying to have a date night is always interesting. You will wait longer to get a table where he can face the door. You will watch him scope out the lobby on the way in for anyone he has previously arrested and you will not get through the meal without another officer calling his cell. You will be grateful if you can keep him awake after you get home, as chances are you squeezed in date night after a shift anyway, and you will learn to not take it personally when even at your best, you cannot compete with his exhaustion.

Grocery shopping or trips to crowded locations can become a game of "I spy a felon". You quickly learn the "aisle over" strategy. When your LEO suddenly announces "don't turn around" or "we need to get out of this aisle now" or "wait, wait, wait....ok go, go, go", your instincts may be to want to know who we are avoiding and what the story is behind it, but you will learn quickly to follow instructions and ask when you get to the car. You will also get the "walk away" lesson. If you are ever with your LEO in public, especially with your children and you are told to "take the kids and go" or "walk the other way now", you will learn to shake off the instinct to remain by his side, and without question, you will do as you are told. This is not a control issue by any means and you will learn to recognize there is a very big difference between your husband being controlling by ordering you around and your LEO husband recognizing a situation in which he needs to protect you from those that recognize and hate him, and those he does not ever want to recognize you as his wife when he is not with you.

You will also learn to laugh at things you never imagined, such as the phrases only a LEO family could consider "normal"....."Honey, another hooker peed in my car, I have to go by the City garage and hose out the back before I come home"......"Honey, I've got 10lbs of pot to inventory, I'm going to be late, oh and head's up, there's blood all over my shirt". "Honey, there are a bunch of cows in the road by the tracks, I've got to run some traffic control before I can get home"...."Honey, some idiot is naked at the sno cone hut, hey did you know they have coconut now?".

You will learn that even when you are having a really bad day and you just need his shoulder to lean on or his ear to bend, you may have to wait. And when you do have the chance to vent be prepared to be hung up on, interrupted or only partially paid attention to or heard over the noise of the radio, which never stops and is always heard first. When you accept that your needs will have to wait until the end of the shift, be prepared to have him snoring almost instantly as you begin to finally vent.

You will find a way to tune out those "breaking news" alerts on the local news when he is on duty. Whereas in the beginning you would instantly call his cell to make sure he's alright, over time you have learned that he won't answer if he's in the middle of something and calling only to get no answer will really leave you worried that he's hurt or in trouble. You will learn to remember that he is also fully aware he is on the nightly news and will call you as soon as he can.

You will learn not to ask how his day was. He will share what he needs to, bottle up what he has to and act like everything is fine when it isn't. You will know when it was a bad day without asking and you will be there if he chooses to share, but you will learn that not sharing does not mean not caring. It just means reliving it is not appealing before dinner, and some of the horrific images embedded in his mind he would love to find a way to forget.

You will learn that a Police Officer lives his life on duty. There is never a time he does not feel compelled to be alert and as the saying goes "prepared for anything, anytime, anywhere". You will learn not to be annoyed at his repeated instructions to "be aware of your surroundings", "watch your speed", "park close to an exit" and "never let the gas light come on in your car". Although there are times you want to scream "I AM NOT A TEENAGER, I GET IT!", you will learn that it is just the way he is wired as he sees so much that he never wants to happen to you and your children.

Being the wife of a Police Officer means you must be as dedicated to his love of the job as he is. The first step toward that order is realizing it is not a job to him. It is who he his. There is a reason Police Officers choose a profession with low pay, horrible hours, immense stress, non-existent holidays and a huge potential for danger. It is because they are called to duty. They are compelled by a desire to help those in need, to make a difference....to protect and serve. Being the wife of a LEO means having a mutual respect and understanding of that fact and being willing to make the continual compromises and sacrifices to enable your LEO to be able to head off into the night in the best frame of mind he can possibly have.

Being a LEO wife means putting your husband first, not out of a sense of duty or out of submission or control, but out of love and respect for all he faces each time he walks out the door. You will learn to understand that being frustrated is normal, but being resentful and angry is not an option. Things that are a huge deal to most wives such as holiday traditions, the perfect birthday party, the family photo shoot scheduled for weeks, a date night you spent a month looking forward to, the biggest football game of your son's high school senior year, your baby's first ballet recital....all of those things to a LEO wife are considered just something else she may end up dealing with alone. Frustrating? Absolutely. Disappointing? Always. Worth sending your LEO out into danger knowing you are furious with him? Never. A LEO wife will learn to hold her tongue, tell him she loves him, kiss him goodbye, and say a prayer that he comes home so she can yell at him later. We are human, we still want what we want, but we learn to see the bigger picture.

My three year old son loves his Daddy. You will find more "PoPo" cars in the toy chest than any other toy. He idolizes his father and even at only three years of age, he understands there is something about what Daddy does that makes it a big deal. When Daddy leaves for a shift my son MUST go to the driveway and wave good-bye as Daddy turns on his lights and pulls away. It is a ritual that our son came up with all on his own. My son can also instantly recognize the sound of the garage door and knows the difference between the sound of Daddy's engine and that of his teenage sisters. He will stop anything he is doing and run for the door when he knows Daddy is home. Nights that we spend alone we pray together that Daddy will help keep everyone safe and that he will come home soon. My son always asks me to "promise" that Daddy will come see him when he gets home if he is asleep. They say children can sense things and I absolutely believe he understands there is a reason it is a big deal when Daddy leaves and an even bigger deal when he returns.

There are many many times I wish for a moment of selfish indulgence. Although I cannot remember the last time I wished for something just for me. Instead I wish for "us". I wish for no radios or pagers or on call weekends. I wish for alone time and snuggle time and quiet moments of peace. I wish for certainty of safety and a guarantee of growing old together. I understand no one has that guarantee and most couples with children and careers and busy lives wish for the same things, but for me it seems so constantly unattainable. Oddly, you would think that the longer you have been married to a LEO, the easier it gets. For me at least, it seems to get more difficult in certain ways. The longer I am with him, the more I see, the more I know and the more it makes me realize how real the dangers can be. Being supportive of sending your best friend out into danger each day is not always easy but part of being a wife is supporting his dream. I knew from the moment I met him what I was signing up for. I wouldn't trade it for the world. My husband is a wonderful man with a work ethic like no other. He works day and night to support his family and protect his community. He has been called to this line of duty and I am one of those LEO wives who literally beams with pride when I see him in that uniform. He is an amazing father, a loving and supportive husband and as hard as it is to find time for each other, we manage to make it work. He is my best friend and I cannot imagine a day without him in my life.

There are many people out there that view cops as lazy, crooked, donut eating fools with a chip on their shoulders and pride swelling due to a gun toting power trip. As stated above, there are bad people in every profession. There are also good people in every profession. For the good ones, consider and remember this.....Police Officers live each day fully prepared to lay down their lives for any given stranger at any given moment. They spend countless hours away from their family to help protect yours. They will face those persons with nothing to gain when they themselves have everything to lose. They begin each shift knowing it could be their last, and they have the added stress of knowing their spouse and children are home waiting, hoping and praying they never see the Captain at their front door. I love my LEO.

In 2010, 161 officers were killed in the line of duty. 161 sons, daughters, mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, husbands and wives who will never kiss their families again. They died protecting and serving the citizens and non-citizens of this country. They died at the hands of repeat offenders, parolees, drunks, drug addicts, political and religious radicals. They died helping innocent people change flat tires. They died responding to traffic accidents and domestic disputes. They were murdered in cold blood making routine traffic stops. They died doing what they were called to do, regardless of the circumstance.

Be grateful for our Police Officers.


A side note....

Since publishing this article, it has been viewed over 250,000 times, shared on Police Department web sites, LEO wife support sites and various Police news and magazine sites. The positive support and feedback has been overwhelming and I would like to add this to simply acknowledge how wonderful it is to see so many LEO's, LEO wives and family members of LEO's be able to relate to so many of the things written in this article. There has also been so much support from all over the US and other countries from people with no connection to any LEO in their families, thanking me for bringing awareness to what life as a LEO and a LEO wife entails. There has been extremely little negativity regarding this article, and I am actually very nicely surprised by that. Out of over 20,000 views and over 100 comments to date, I have received only 3 negative comments, which I did not post, only because I do not want this to become a forum for debate or argument or have anything distract from the purpose of this article. This is not a discussion board, and there is a time and place for debate. I want this article to be an uplifting voice of encouragement and positivity for LEO's and their families.

I do wish to address one comment received, oddly enough, from a LEO wife. Her opinion of this article was that I was trying to gain "glory" and hero status of my own simply for being married to a LEO. She found it appauling that I would make a suggestion about those who have merely "enjoyed the view". She suggested I was imputing a "god-like" status to LEO's and LEO wives and belittling those in other lines of work who make daily, dangerous sacrifices as well. To that I would say, my article is about Police Officers. It is not about oil field workers, firefighters, EMT's, coal miners, loggers, construction workers or the countless others who are in harms way just by going to work each day. I have no reason to write a personal account about that which I do not know. Just as I cannot speak for the countless wives and husbands of our Troops who's daily sacrifices far outweigh that of which the majority of us can comprehend, and to whom I could never express enough gratitude. My article is in honor of my husband and all the other LEO's who are heroes in their own right. Praising one does not equal the diminishing of others. I have never and would never think that what my husband does every day somehow makes what anyone else does less important or dangerous. Or that my role as his wife somehow makes my wife status more important than anyone else's. My comment about those who have simply "enjoyed the view" is made specifically to those who have done just that....looked at all the calendars of hot shirtless cops, or flirted with a police officer to try and get out of a ticket, or for those who simply see a uniformed police officer and shrug with loathsome disrespect. It was meant to say..."there is a whole lot more about that uniform and the character of the man/woman wearing it than you might understand, and you should know if you don't, and be aware if you're not". The entire point of this article is to make it clear that our LEO's are heroes and regardless of all the sacrifices LEO spouses make each day, those sacrifices are well worth making to ensure our heroes have the love and support they need to face what they face each and every shift. There is no question that it takes a certain kind of person to be able to remain consistently patient and understanding and selfless regardless of the circumstance. Do I think that in someway makes me an angel deserving of "glory"? Absolutely not. I do think it is proof positive of my intentions in writing my article....our LEO's need good women/men as spouses to appreciate all that comes with the uniform and all of us fail at times, get frustrated at times and need some encouragement to remain focused...certainly me included. This article is is about being supportive and appreciative despite the multitude of upsets. It is about remembering to appreciate each day and never take it for granted. As stated before, I LOVE MY LEO