I've found myself in a strange place the past 48 hours. Since the word came of no true bill in the Michael Brown case I have watched, listened, read and absorbed so much from news outlets and social media. So much hate and sorrow and misguided attempts at resolution and justice.
As a white woman, married to a black police officer, and the mother of a biracial child with autism (as well as a feeding/swallowing/choking disorder, and seizures and the standard bucket of sensory issues which come with autism), I sit here thinking to myself.... damn... I have a plethora of things to choose in my personal victimization. Yet somehow, even on my worst days, I am hard pressed to feel like any sort of victim.
I read an article today (written by a white mother) which left me wondering if I'm missing something completely. I've seen similar opinions before and honestly, I just can't find that within me. The notion that as a mother of a black child, I should live in fear as he gets older, as he gets less "little boyish", as he matures into what, according to the opinion of many, is no longer someone seen by the general public as a human being, but someone classified as a black male, which is apparently supposed to be a negative. From the perspective of many mothers, who also seem completely in agreement with this notion, as a mother of a soon to be "young black male" I should be preparing myself for him to be racially profiled, targeted as a criminal, discriminated against and maligned, simply because he is a young black male. I should be in sorrowful fear that his days of innocent "cute black male" youth will soon be replaced with the perception that he is just another black thug, simply because he is black. No other reason. Again.... am I missing something?
I had to ask my husband about this because this isn't our first parenting rodeo and I can't go back to the girls teenage years and pull this theory together in my mind. I don't recall a single instance where the girls were discriminated against simply for being black. I do, however, remember other black friends of theirs commenting about how they weren't black enough, which biracial children get a lot, from other blacks. So, did I miss it because they are girls? Is it just young black males being affected by such immense stereotyping, profiling and injustice? After pondering it all and trying to relate it to my life and my son's life I finally came to a conclusion............. I call bullshit.
I do have fears and concerns for my son. I have many. Race isn't on the top of the list. You see, my son is at the peak of his "cute, youthful little black boy" years. At seven, he's entering that awkward stage where his big boy teeth are too big for his mouth still, where he's not looking like my baby anymore but hovering on the edge between child and 'kid'. As a child at an age where most adults and other children his age looking in at our life would assume he's a normal child, with the social skills and manners and awareness of what's acceptable and age appropriate, we have none of that. No, we have autism.
My concerns are not with the color of his skin but the way clothing feels like steel wool when it touches him. My fears for him are fluorescent lights, loud music, crowded spaces and way too inquisitive people. My concerns are not with people judging him because of race, but because of how he reacts in social settings when his senses are overloaded and the only way to silence the world which is too overwhelming for him is by acting out. To my son it is not people who are non-accepting of his race, but those who are uneducated and intolerant and judgmental when it comes to autism. Perhaps if Autism were off the table I could focus on how he might be profiled one day for wearing a hoodie at the park, but I have bigger issues on my hands.
Of course, I have seen racism and it is alive and well. I have been talked down to by black females for taking a good black man off the market, which is quite perplexing as that statement in itself seems to imply those black women are only interested in mindless men who are powerless to make their own decisions in life. I have been approached by many white women while shopping inquiring about foster care or adoption....you know, "how did you go about getting a black baby?" They don't seem to know how to walk away fast enough when I say "Well, there was Vodka and some old skool love jams and we both looked really good naked back then"...... Oh...the lightbulb.... the black child is hers... walks away... Of course I could go on for days about how my police officer husband only pulls over white people because he's racist against the white man and if he pulls over a black person he's instantly the enemy for not "tossin a brotha a break". As much as I know we get some stares out here in the Wal-Marts of the Bible Belt of Oklahoma, it doesn't affect me as I never think about our family in terms of color. I think about us as a family. Period.
So now I've been wondering if my son is awaiting some kind of predetermined social sentencing.
How much time do I have before he becomes just another profiled young black male? When should I really worry about him being victimized by a racist society and a profiling justice system?
Honestly.... I don't think I'm going to go there. I think it would benefit my son more to focus on how he lives his life and how he becomes a productive member of society. I think I would be doing my son a disservice by saying the opinions of others will impact his life negatively until society has given me a reason for doing so, and even then, I can't see myself telling my son that any of his hardships are based on the actions or reactions of society.
Perhaps if it weren't for autism, dysphagia, seizures and apraxia of speech I could go there. Perhaps if our daily life weren't filled with sensory overload, food aversions, choking episodes and self harming meltdowns. Perhaps if our focus wasn't on occupational, feeding, swallowing, speech and behavioral therapy. Or perhaps if homeschooling an autistic child while trying to work from home wasn't wearing me out. Perhaps if tags in clothes and seams in socks and bright lights and the ability to smell the neighbors paint and the inability to not smell everything wasn't part of my day. Or perhaps if throat scopes and KUB's, clean outs for bowel obstructions and Upper GI's and barium swallows and EEG's and learning disabilities and rickets and poor nutrition absorption weren't high on my priority list....or $1,200 a month in out of pocket medical expense with the stress of making it work on a cop salary. Perhaps if I could silence the little voice lurking in my head now and then which asks me how I will ever do this alone if my husband is gunned down in the line of duty...perhaps then race will move higher up on my list on concerns. Honestly, from the depths of my being, I still cannot say the color of my son's skin will ever be near as much of a stumbling block for a little boy who is fighting a much bigger battle already.
You can sit here and tell me I'm white and privileged all you like. You can tell me I will never understand as I'm not black. You can tell me I'm in denial and not seeing this world for the realities our black children will face. I don't need you to tell me. I have my husband for that. I can ask my husband who grew up in poverty in the projects how he dealt with racism. I can ask him how he managed to be surrounded by gangs and not become a statistic. I can ask him why he wasn't gunned down by the police or targeted by his own race. I can ask him how he managed to avoid the systematic shredding of his character by those of privilege and how he went on to graduate, go to college and become a productive member of society. I can ask him why he was never arrested for simply walking down the street or why he never robbed a convenience store or why he never destroyed the property of others or inflicted harm or perpetrated violence against innocents.
I don't think I will pay much mind to the white mini van mom who wrote about the pending misery my son is destined for simply because he's black. No. I think I will rely on my black husband to instill the values and moral conscience and integrity needed to become a respectable black man. I think as his mother I will teach him that just as his father, he too holds the key to his own future and there is nothing anyone can say to prevent him from his future success. As his mother I will continue to focus on the life skills my son needs to become all he can be.
I can't speak for my husband, but something tells me he will say life success begins with parenting at home, not with placing blame on others.
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AuthorMelissa Littles is a published author, blogger and legislative advocate for Law Enforcement Officers and their families, as well as an advocate for Autism. To learn more, see our "About" section. Categories
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