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Exhaustion - An Officer's Kryptonite

9/16/2014

6 Comments

 
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"I'm fine"
"It's all good"
"I'll get a Red Bull or some coffee, I'm good"
"It's just four extra hours, we need the money"
"We can open presents on my lunch break, it's holiday pay"

Overtime, grant shifts, off duty security..... it's the way many officers pay their mortgages and buy groceries.  For those who literally find a way to live with extra jobs, it is mind blowing that there are so many departments that don't allow officers to work off duty security.  Those are the officers with completely separate jobs on the side.  They have lawn services, pest control services, construction jobs....whatever it takes to pay the bills.  We are no different.

We went from a two income household to one. Within a year we went from doing pretty great after 15 years in with two incomes to struggling to avoid foreclosure on our newly built home after a diagnosis of autism, dysphagia, apraxia and seizures in our son.  Medical bills piled up, I couldn't keep my job because of all the therapy and specialist appointments... co-pays after insurance jumped quickly to over $600.00 a month... we lost over $4,000 a month in income with me staying home. It didn't take long for it to hit us like a brick.

So, he does what he does.  My husband, the police officer, heads off to his normal 40 hours per week, which never remains just 40 hours.... he picks up every DUI and seat belt enforcement grant shift he can, every estate sale, school dance, football game, pharmacy security, church security, funeral escort....you name it.... if he can work it, he will sign up for it.  Because we need the money and he will do whatever it takes to provide for his family.

7:00 a.m., he leaves for regular shift.  4:00 p.m. he comes home to inhale whatever I've made, or he doesn't come home and grabs something on the way to whatever he's working. 11:00 p.m. he drags in, gets in the shower and falls in bed.  "I'm fine.  I missed you. Don't tell me you feel bad for me. I'll do anything to take care of you and my son".   The teenager's car breaks down..... the other teenager needs help with a car payment....  "Don't worry, I'll find a way".  We owe my mom money... "I'm trying to sell the old fridge in the garage and I have a divorce property division job on Saturday, we'll be alright".    "Babe... I'm working the OU game Saturday and I need to help with a charity event Sunday....don't look at me like that....I'm good... babe... I'm good".

Change the names, change the circumstances, insert your life here. 
We all know too well just how many officers live this way. 

It's like a form of forced denial.  I've always done it.  I've done it before.  It's just one more night. I can do it.   I'll be alright.  It's night shift....I'll be so busy I won't have time to be tired.  Baby....it's a school dance...c'mon, please. That's easy money.  Sound familiar?

Seventeen years...... it's never changed.  He's always been who he is.  He's always done what he does.  He's always been "just fine".  He's always pushed through it. 

Until he didn't.

The noise ringing in my ears.......the smell of gunpowder.  The panic.... where is our son?!? OMG, where is our son?!  Where did it hit?! WHERE IS THE ROUND?!  The neighbors! OMG....you have to run check on the neighbors! They're outside with their babies!   Our son.... our autistic son, stimming...rocking back and forth with his hands over his ears.... his service dog growling at me as if to say "how dare you do this to him, how could you?!"  

Exhaustion.  Pure, complete exhaustion. Too many hours, too little sleep. Bad judgment. Honest, but potentially dreadful error.  What if?  What if?  

Relief.  All is well.  No one hurt.  No one even noticed really... no one but us.  We more than noticed.  It meant much more than what actually happened. It changes everything.

How many times?  How many times have we been in bed together, reading Facebook, looking at stories about "accidental discharge"...... pssshhhhhtt.....  there's no such thing as an "accidental" discharge.  An idiotic discharge, yes.... accidental....no.  That was us.  Time and time again.  Gun safety in this house was as real as a Catholic's religion.  My husband wouldn't even take a pee break without locking his duty weapon in the safe.  Autism brings a whole new meaning to "gun safety".  The precautions we took made many laugh..... "a little over the top, no?"  Umm...no.  Our son has autism.  You want to give Rain Man a thought and see where he takes it?? I didn't think so.  He's soooo smart.  He loves guns.  He knows they're here.  He has autism. Enough said.    Well....almost enough. 


All it took was one too tired night.  All it took was "decompression" gone wrong.  No one was hurt.  Our son wasn't even near the chaos.... it doesn't matter though.  It happened.  An "accidental" discharge of my husband's personal weapon, inside the house. He was off duty.  It was not his service weapon.  That doesn't change it personally for us.

It is one of those humbling moments..... not the best option either.  It comes in many forms.  Our LEO's push themselves too hard, too much.  They wear that "S" on the chest because it is what they do. It is not just physical draining, it is emotional. 

Whether internal political upper brass comes into play, or emotional fallout from bad calls or critical incidents wears on them, or the chaos of home is brought to work.....nothing good can come from it.  

There is "THAT" kind of officer......family man
, friend, confidant, helper, saver, fixer, perfectionist....SUPERMAN/WOMAN.  You know who you are. You know exactly what I'm talking about.  

I have news for you...

YOU ARE NOT SUPERMAN. PERIOD. YOU ARE NOT.

You are a human being. You NEED rest.  Your body REQUIRES rest. Your heart, soul, emotional well being CRAVES restoration.   And you continually ignore it. 
We know why you ignore it. It is because of us. It is because of your family, your friends, your brothers and sisters. It is because you are desperately trying to keep your nose clean at work. You want that promotion. You want things a little easier on your family.  Hell, you just want to stay out of trouble! Even in your stress you're thinking about us. We get it.

You are our superman.  You are our Superwoman.  You are our Superheroes. 
You've forgotten yourself.
You are able to be there for us for only so long. It will catch up with you. It will greet you at the worst time. You will have to answer to it.  Or.... you can prevent it.

I love my husband with every fiber of my being. He is the best husband and father I could ever comprehend. He is overly cautious with us, it is part of what  is so appealing.  He is always in protective mode.   There is nothing that man wouldn't do for his family.   Tonight he is asking himself how he would live with himself if something else had happened. 

We share this not because it's a joy....but because it might be a needed wake up call to just one other person.

Exhaustion breeds complacency.  Complacency breeds errors. Errors are deadly.
We need all our families to be safe. 

If you are a LEO,   PLEASE, PLEASE ask yourself....do you need a break?  If the answer is yes, find a way.  If you are a LEO spouse, ask yourself....have you checked in lately? Have you seriously asked your loved one how they are?  Do it.  If you know they need a break, ask. Plan. Take measures in your own hands (easier said than done, how I know).   Take care of yourselves!


Blessings and prayers for safety to all our first responders tonight.

~Mel

Melisa Littles, Founder
The Police Wife LIfe



6 Comments

It Is How They Lived.  How Heroes are Made.

9/9/2014

10 Comments

 
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Four officers lost in the line of duty in a matter of days.

Deputy Sheriff Joseph Matuskovic

Charleston County Sheriff's Office, South Carolina
End of Watch: Monday, September 8, 2014
43 years of age.  Killed by gunfire.  17 year veteran law enforcement officer.  The same age as my husband.....the same amount of years in.  Gone too soon.

Corporal Jason E. Harwood
Topeka Police Department, Kansas
End of Watch: September 7, 2014
40 years of age. Killed by gunfire.  He served with the Topeka PD for 15 years. He leaves a wife and two children.


Patrolman II Nickolaus Schultz

Merrillville Police Department, IN
End of Watch: September 7, 2014
Only 24 years of age.  Just over one year of law enforcement service.
The same age as my oldest daughter.  Gone... at the hands of a suspect wearing body armor who ambushed responding officers, shooting Patrolman Schultz in the head.

Police Officer Daryl Pierson
Rochester Police Department, NY
End of Watch: September 3, 2014
Only 32 years of age.  A National Guard Veteran with eight years of law enforcement service. He leaves behind a wife and two young children. Killed by gunfire by a man on parole for just three weeks after serving time for an attempted armed robbery.

A brief description of four men, who wore a badge.  Each of them were murdered in their efforts to prevent further harm to their communities. Each of them gave their lives, not because they signed up to be murdered. Not because they signed up to be ambushed. Not because they signed up to be hunted.  They laid down their lives for their fellow man, because of who they were.  They died because of their honorable character.  They died because they placed more worth on the lives of those around them than they did themselves.  
Sadly... I won't even finish this article without having more names to add. It is the sad reality we have been dealt lately.

Each and every one of those men have families.  They have parents, siblings, spouses, children, grandparents.  They have best friends from church, from academy, from high school, from college.  They spent their time off duty doing for others. They went out of their way to be THAT friend.  They were always willing to help their fellow man.  They would give up time with their own families for another in need.  They felt a beaming pride for the support they received from the ones who loved them which made it possible to head out on those streets each day and night.  They felt loved.  They felt loved enough to fight. They fought the fight to make it home to those who loved them....to those who prayed for them each time they walked away. 

They had quirky smiles and mischievous laughs that filled the halls of their homes.  They loved the occasional date night with their wives when the babies finally slept and the velcro came off at 3:00am and they curled up in bed and caught up on DVR episodes.  Their wives would breathe in their smell and silently thank God for a "date night" which lasted ten minutes before exhaustion took over..... because they were safe. They had their loves, for one more day. 

I could go on and on about the kind of men they were, the honorable lives they led, the influences they had on those they encountered, the love in their hearts.... it didn't take personally knowing them to read all about them on social media from those who did.  It is clear each and every one of them will leave a legacy.  That legacy is HONOR.   For as much as these men were individuals, one thing which describes them
all is BROTHERS.   They were Brothers in Blue and they lived with Honor.  We know they lived with honor because they gave their lives honoring an oath.  There's an oath which dictates that part of what you willingly sign up for is the risk of laying down your life for your fellow man.  Each of them did.... honorably.  With dignity, with pride, and with a fight to honor their promise to make it home alive. They did their best.  

We owe these men our respect.  We owe their families our respect.  Whether we are the typical supporters of law enforcement, whether we bleed blue or not, whether we believe there's honor in what these men and women of law enforcement do every day.... we should all possess enough humanity to respect what has happened here. 

These four men have nothing to do with any other injustices in law enforcement.  It's not their fault felons and parolees and fleeing suspects decided that day was the day they would take another life.  These four men.... and so many others like them, got up that day, strapped on a vest, holstered a gun on their sides
and a brass target on their chests.... and they did it for their communities.... and they died.

We live in a world hell bent on blame and denial and accusations and opinions and being heard and being a voice and being justified.  We live in a world entitled to it all.  We live in a world where we purposely seek out posts on the internet, not for the stories told, but for the comment fights which follow.  We immerse ourselves in perpetuated hate filled drama where everything, whether life or death or disease or natural disaster has a joke in the form of a meme to belittle the point at hand. We live in a world where the media could care less about the lives they destroy as ratings trump reality and humanity is nothing more than a lost side note.  We live in a world where organized hate is alive and well and yes, we live in a world where law enforcement is guilty of their own injustices.....just as every single other occupation is as well.    

We live in a world which has lost the ability to simply let there be an appropriate time and place for personal opinion,  where kindness and human nature and sympathy, regardless of personal feelings, are more important.  We live in a world where having our own opinions validated trumps the pain of others. 
We live in a world where no one can just put it all aside for a moment, take a step back and say..... someone gave their life today, selflessly, because it was a job and they purposely signed up for that job knowing it could happen.  We live in a world where for some ungodly reason, tax dollars make that perfectly fine and where common decency isn't required.  We live in a world where the babies of these officers would hear from many that their daddy deserved to die....and so do every one of daddy's friends who carry his casket.

My God.... what have we become for our children?  What is our legacy?

You can call me partial.  You can call me brainwashed.  You can call me whatever you please.  I call myself a wife of an amazing man, my best friend, the father of my children.  The father of my autistic son who has more patience and love and kindness and compassion for his family and others than anyone I've ever known.   I know seventeen years later he's still a good officer and he's still in law enforcement for the right reason.... to make a difference.  I know I'm married to a man who will be remembered for how he lived.   I pray to God I am allowed to grow old with him.  I pray for each and every person praying the same prayer and for those who loved an officer and don't get that chance. 

Tonight, I don't care about the hate or the right to free speech or the entitlement or the injustices which have nothing to do with these four men.  I don't care about those who say "they signed up for it, if they can't handle it, too bad".  I don't care about those who choose to remove all humanity from human beings.  Tonight I care about honoring these officers for how they lived.  Tonight I care about the reminder that so many of them live the same way.
The streets are full of the good ones tonight.  They are all keeping their promise in mind...the promise to make it home alive.  Each and every honorable officer is out on those streets knowing, without a doubt, they have a duty to their communities, that duty might include laying down their lives, and they are thanking God for their brothers and sisters in blue who have taken and honor the same oath.  

My husband asked me once after a long, trying stretch of bad days.... "Why?  Why do you support me in this crazy life? Why do you love me so much?  I answered him with the raw truth.... "I love you for who you are, I love you so much more to make up for all of those who hate you".   

Regardless of who you are or what you do in this life, ask yourself honestly..... what is your legacy?



Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.  John 15:13

Melissa Littles, Founder
The Police Wife Life, LLC






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10 Comments

You're Just a Cop. For what it's worth.

9/8/2014

 
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What will it take to see the truth about law enforcement?

Our Law Enforcement Officers are being murdered as well as laying down their lives on duty every 58 hours. They are being shot while sitting at traffic lights. Executed in coffee shops and on their lunch breaks. Lured into ambushes and blown away while removing debris from the roadway, or while responding to an alarm call which was a set up. They are being killed in their own driveways, while off duty. They are being shot inside their own precincts.

If celebrities or professional athletes were being targeted, shot and murdered to the tune of one dead every 58 hours there would be an instant demand for answers and protection. There would be a national cry to stop the violence before it impacted reality tv or sports center.

Regardless of proven statistics which tell us otherwise, our officers continue to get blamed as a whole for the actions of less than one percent*. Regardless of common sense in a world where we have all encountered a bad mechanic, doctor, plumber, we blame ALL cops for the few.  Regardless of countless corrupt priests, teachers, crooked judges and lawyers, we do not condemn their entire profession, it's asinine to even consider. But with law enforcement, it is instant condemnation of all.

What exactly does an officer have to do for you to say his/her life has worth? What will it take for you to see the family waiting at home, praying theirs isn’t the next officer down? What will it take for the citizens of this country to say without them, who will make these sacrifices?  Will you? Are you ready to be the target? Are you ready to line up your family and friends and know one of you will not come home every other day?

Our law enforcement officers are humans. When will it be enough to say something’s got to give?  Even for those who hate the police….you’ll be the first to dial 911 when you need them and you will expect them to run lights blazing to your rescue, after all, you pay their salary.

What happens when they say, sorry, it’s too dangerous, you’re on your own. You hate us anyway, so do as you see fit. YOU stand in front of the bullet and protect your own family. You pry your mangled wife out of the wreckage you caused while drunk and give her CPR in front of your children. You stand in the pouring rain in the dead of night on an expressway and protect your own car from being hit by a semi until the tow truck gets there. You unlock your own car you left your keys in. You change your own tire when 8 months pregnant in 102 degree heat. You stand in front of your own abusive husband and his weapon and his fist and tell him to leave your home without harming you.

You get in your own car and race to stop someone who stole from you or hit your car a few miles back. You enter your neighborhood store and approach a masked man with a shotgun and reason with him not to kill you or those in the store.  You go knock on the neighbor’s door who has a warrant, a house full of weapons and a sign on the door that says “don't tread on me”.

You watch for drunks out of control on the highway in an ice storm. You pray they don't kill you. You respond to suicide calls and cut teenagers from makeshift nooses in their garages or scrape their brain matter out of the soles of your boots. You tell their parents what happened while they were out socializing, again.

You walk into a house with no power in 105 degree heat containing the bodies of an entire family, including babies, now maggot infested and unidentifiable by anything other than the stench of rotten death.  You walk up to cars who have nearly run you off the road only to be met with a gun in your face and no time to react.  

You try and coax a brutally beaten and savagely raped teenager the same age as your own daughter out of the closet where she was left to die as she holds a knife to her own throat. You convince her tomorrow will be better.

You hate the police? You have no use for them? You think they’re worthless?  Do it yourself. Worry about it all on your own. You surely can do better. You surely are wiser than those lazy, corrupt, doughnut eating fools you don’t give the time of day to when you hear they were gunned down while you went on about your business.  Please, give them a rest and do it yourself.

You might want to hug your family and have your affairs in order before you head out, there's a very real chance you’ll never make it home, of course that’s no big deal….you signed up for that, and my tax dollars allow me to ignore your worth. After all, you're just a cop.

Oh, and you sure as hell better do it all perfectly, every single time. After all, you're not human anymore. You're just a cop. No one cares if you get it right...but you sure as hell better never get it wrong...because a good cop who did get it right will get his head blown off in an entirely different state if you screw up. That goes for you too, by the way. Better pray all 740,000 do right by that badge today, if not... It's all on you, because all cops are bad cops, right?

Melissa Littles, Founder
TPWL© 2014
The Police Wife Life, LLC

*statistics based on FBI full year crime data reports based on latest three full years ended in 2012.

**please be advised the reference to "don't tread on me" is not a political statement or opinion. It refers to a real life incident where officers responded to a domestic call which turned out to be a Marine vet/former police officer with PTSD. That sign let those officers know they were possibly dealing with one of their own, and sure enough they were. The subject opened fire through his front door, wounding one officer in the head.  The point in mentioning the sign was to show that our LEOs encounter all walks of life, and sometimes they even encounter one of their own, and even in that scenario...they must do their duty diligently. 



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Retrospect and Forethought

9/2/2014

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I look back at my own words over the last year and see the recurring theme; how to handle being a LEOW. How to handle constant change, how to be flexible, how to maintain your sanity in the face of your own fears; how to stay calm through adversity.  I talk about being patient, being kind, being forgiving. I’ve talked about learning to give before expecting to receive. I’ve talked about the rewards received when you eliminate selfishness from your mentality.  I’ve talked about having faith, being honest, owning your own faults, accepting your weaknesses and growing through them until they become strengths.  I’ve talked about being strong, being independent, being capable. I’ve talked about letting go and letting God. I’ve talked about knowing your limits, knowing when to step back, take a break, allow your LEO to be your backup, your superhero.

 

I’ve found myself at that end of the spectrum, that place where you realize you are all about preaching and not practicing, all about supporting and not accepting; all about helping others to find their way while you stand still on a dead end road.  I’ve found myself being forced to acknowledge the vast difference between wants and capability; the difference between your dreams of change, your hopes and visions of a better future; your belief that somehow, someway the world can still be stirred enough to evolve……and the reality that all you’ve dreamed of is as easy to reach as lassoing the moon.

 

I’ve realized that regrets are useless until they invoke enlightenment. I’ve realized that enlightenment without the next leap of fate is futile. I’ve come to terms with the fact that failure is a part of everyday reality, but it is the knowledge and strength you gain from failure which drives you to determined achievement.

 

I’ve learned that you can never change the past, but the future is always in your own hands.  I’ve learned that self-pity is nothing more than fear of accomplishment. I’ve learned that low expectations are a form of personal protection. I’ve learned that forgiveness is more about allowing yourself to move forward than allowing those who have hurt you to be free from guilt they most likely never possessed.  I’ve learned that goals and aspirations are attainable only as long as you ignore those who desire to relish in your demise.  I’ve learned you are only as worthy as the worth you see in yourself. I’ve learned ambition is tireless and complacency is deadly. 

 

I’ve learned that moments are to be treasured, memories are made of moments, true love is unconditional and time does not heal all wounds. I’ve learned that loving unconditionally is not always painless but is always prosperous, although not always realized in the manner you expected.  I’ve learned at times you must walk away from what you have always known in order to find the path which has been right in front of your eyes. I’ve learned that faith is blind and requires you to trust your own instinct.  I’ve learned honesty is always the best policy as without it you are continually falsifying your own character.  I’ve learned character is defined not only by actions but by intent.  I’ve learned that owning your faults is the best path to conquering your own personal obstacles. I’ve learned acceptance of self is the first step to personal growth.  I’ve learned that facing your fears is a step towards peace. I’ve learned that peace only comes from resignation of the past and the release of fault, whether by others or yourself.  I’ve learned that contentment is priceless and gratitude is invaluable.

 

One thing I’ve left to learn is how to accept that which cannot be changed.  How to relinquish control of what you thought you knew as truth. How to resign yourself that time only moves forward and regardless of how forgiving and accepting and tolerable you are, it is still that which can never be changed that haunts us.   And it is then that you find yourself right back where you started, relearning all you have come to know again….until you make peace with yourself and are able to let go, forever learning, forever growing. We can always do better.

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    Author

    Melissa Littles is a published author, blogger and legislative advocate for Law Enforcement Officers and their families, as well as an advocate for Autism.  To learn more, see our "About" section.

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