I look back at my own words over the last year and see the recurring theme; how to handle being a LEOW. How to handle constant change, how to be flexible, how to maintain your sanity in the face of your own fears; how to stay calm through adversity.  I talk about being patient, being kind, being forgiving. I’ve talked about learning to give before expecting to receive. I’ve talked about the rewards received when you eliminate selfishness from your mentality.  I’ve talked about having faith, being honest, owning your own faults, accepting your weaknesses and growing through them until they become strengths.  I’ve talked about being strong, being independent, being capable. I’ve talked about letting go and letting God. I’ve talked about knowing your limits, knowing when to step back, take a break, allow your LEO to be your backup, your superhero.

 

I’ve found myself at that end of the spectrum, that place where you realize you are all about preaching and not practicing, all about supporting and not accepting; all about helping others to find their way while you stand still on a dead end road.  I’ve found myself being forced to acknowledge the vast difference between wants and capability; the difference between your dreams of change, your hopes and visions of a better future; your belief that somehow, someway the world can still be stirred enough to evolve……and the reality that all you’ve dreamed of is as easy to reach as lassoing the moon.

 

I’ve realized that regrets are useless until they invoke enlightenment. I’ve realized that enlightenment without the next leap of fate is futile. I’ve come to terms with the fact that failure is a part of everyday reality, but it is the knowledge and strength you gain from failure which drives you to determined achievement.

 

I’ve learned that you can never change the past, but the future is always in your own hands.  I’ve learned that self-pity is nothing more than fear of accomplishment. I’ve learned that low expectations are a form of personal protection. I’ve learned that forgiveness is more about allowing yourself to move forward than allowing those who have hurt you to be free from guilt they most likely never possessed.  I’ve learned that goals and aspirations are attainable only as long as you ignore those who desire to relish in your demise.  I’ve learned you are only as worthy as the worth you see in yourself. I’ve learned ambition is tireless and complacency is deadly. 

 

I’ve learned that moments are to be treasured, memories are made of moments, true love is unconditional and time does not heal all wounds. I’ve learned that loving unconditionally is not always painless but is always prosperous, although not always realized in the manner you expected.  I’ve learned at times you must walk away from what you have always known in order to find the path which has been right in front of your eyes. I’ve learned that faith is blind and requires you to trust your own instinct.  I’ve learned honesty is always the best policy as without it you are continually falsifying your own character.  I’ve learned character is defined not only by actions but by intent.  I’ve learned that owning your faults is the best path to conquering your own personal obstacles. I’ve learned acceptance of self is the first step to personal growth.  I’ve learned that facing your fears is a step towards peace. I’ve learned that peace only comes from resignation of the past and the release of fault, whether by others or yourself.  I’ve learned that contentment is priceless and gratitude is invaluable.

 

One thing I’ve left to learn is how to accept that which cannot be changed.  How to relinquish control of what you thought you knew as truth. How to resign yourself that time only moves forward and regardless of how forgiving and accepting and tolerable you are, it is still that which can never be changed that haunts us.   And it is then that you find yourself right back where you started, relearning all you have come to know again….until you make peace with yourself and are able to let go, forever learning, forever growing. We can always do better.

There's a new challenge in town. A challenge to all those who love a law enforcement officer.  The challenge comes in the wake of the wave of condemnation, distrust, apathy and hatred for so many in law enforcement, when there is no validity to justify it.  Those of us in the law enforcement community are accustomed to such hatred. There's nothing new about the media sensationalizing every bad cop story they can get their hands on and ignoring every good cop story under the pretense of "that's their job and my tax dollars pay for that".   Well, here's the deal.... 99.9999% of officers are remarkable men and women who put their lives on the line daily in order to save the lives of innocents.  Those officers will lay down their lives without hesitation for one of their own in need, or for a citizen whose life is in danger.  However.... there is a growing misguided opinion amongst the public that there's not much more to an officer than the badge on their chest and the power it holds..... and that is the farthest thing from the truth. 

THE CHALLENGE IS THIS:  TELL WHO YOUR OFFICER (OR THE ONE YOU KNOW AND LOVE) REALLY IS ASIDE FROM THE BADGE.  I accept the challenge started by LEOW Davina Agee, and I challenge each and every officer spouse, partner, loved one, friend and family member to do the same.  Use the hashtag #leowchallenge and continue the challenge by tagging friends, family and supporters of LE to take the challenge.

The Officer in my life is my husband, and this is who he really is....
(and being an advocate for law enforcement, I'm including who my officer is, including the badge).

Officer Bervis Littles of the Edmond, OK Police Department is a 17+ year veteran patrol officer. He is also a suicide prevention officer, and QPR (suicide prevention) instructor. He is a member of the Crisis Intervention Team.  He is an FTO and LEDT instructor, a hostage negotiator, lake patrol officer, SRO and member of the honor guard team.   He grew up in poverty on the south side of Oklahoma City never knowing or meeting his father.  His mother worked numerous jobs to make ends meet and he spent a lot of his time being cared for by other family members while his single mother was doing her best to care for her children.  He saw drugs and crime and violence on his local streets....  He worked in order to help his mother and make a way for himself to attend college. He pursued his lifelong dream of becoming a police officer and has been an officer for over 17 years.  He is a father, a brother, a son, a husband, and a best friend to many.  He has three grown step-children, two girls in college and a son with autism, dysphagia and seizure disorders.  He has a work ethic like nothing I've ever seen.  He's missed virtually every holiday, birthday and anniversary I can remember because he will do what it takes to provide for his family and he refuses to leave a shift shorthanded. 

He has the biggest heart of anyone I've ever seen.  There are countless times our checking account has been overdrawn while waiting for payday and he has used the last bit of security money in his pocket to put gas in the car of a stranded single mother.  He has had to remove countless children from domestic situations and sickening home environments and he quickly pulls a stuffed animal from his trunk, asks the child what music he/she likes, then drives them to get a meal before having to hand them over to the state.  It is those same nights you will find him lingering in the hallway of our home at 3am while he gazes into the bedroom of our son, while holding back tears for the babies he just left in a state of uncertainty.   He is the officer who is approached over a decade later by a man who approaches him seemingly out of nowhere to say "You are Officer Littles, you held my sister's hand while she was dying on the roadway. She was pregnant and scared and dying and alone...... and you never left her side".   He is the same officer who will choke back his emotions immediately after an encounter like that, squeeze my hand and simply say "I need to get out of here...now".   You see, he's not allowed to be human in the public eye.  He's just a badge.  He's worthless.  He's aggressive.  He's violent.  He's a bully.  He's got a chip on his shoulder.  He's looking for a reason to kill someone.    Nothing is farther from the truth. 

He's the big strong man whose cried in my arms after losing a child.  He's the arrogant cop I've had to wake in the midst of nightmares more nights than I can remember..... and upon waking he says "I couldn't get to them quick enough".  He's the officer who works over 80 hours per week, comes home exhausted and lays in the floor to play with his son.  He's the big tough guy who had certain dreams and goals and hopes for his only son, only to have to accept his son is autistic... and he immediately embraced it and took on the attitude of "what do we do to help our son be all he can be?"  He is the man who encouraged me to quit my job in the legal field, knowing it was more than his income, knowing how devastating it would financially be, but who put more value on me being with our son for evaluations and therapies and surgeries and homeschooling, even though it meant even more sacrifice for himself in order to pay the bills.  He is the man who took his mother in to live with us and support financially so she could enjoy some sort of retirement.  He is the father who still helps his daughters who are in college by paying their cell phone and insurance bills.  He is the officer who will get a call from a friend while he is off duty...keys locked in a car, locked out of your house, problems with your teenager?? Call my husband....he's your man. 

He's the school resource officer who will get discredited after seventeen years on the street for becoming a "babysitter", even though he has more arrests and drug busts and thefts in the schools than he ever did on the streets. He will take the time to mentor every child in those schools who were just like him growing up.....no father, no money and a feeling of hopelessness and he will encourage them and guide them and make them promise him they won't give up on themselves. 

He's the officer who takes the time to talk with those he is obligated to arrest. He will ask them how they ended up in his back seat, he will not be so quick to judge them for their actions but will encourage them to ask themselves what they can do to change their own lives.

He's the love of my life.  He's the man who came into my life after I was married to a bad cop.  He's the one who showed me that his character defined him, not his badge.  He is the man who showed me love I never thought possible.  He's the man who loved me back to life.  He's the father of my son, he's my best friend, he's my world.  He's the one I beg and plead and pray will be returned to me at the end of his shift.  He's the one I want to grow old with.....not grow old remembering. 

This is who my officer truly is.  Please..... please take note before hating him without knowing him. 

To all the LEOWs and to those who love an officer..........please...... tell me about yours.

~Mel
Melissa Littles, Founder,
The Police Wife Life.

This is a follow up post from my Ferguson Riots, As seen from a different point of view post. 

A week has passed since the death of M. Brown.  Although new information continues to come to light, there are still many unanswered questions.  We now know the name of the officer who shot the deceased. We have now seen video surveillance tape of the deceased participating in a strong armed robbery just prior to his death. We have an admission from his friend who was with him that they indeed participated in the strong armed robbery just prior to his death.  We also have the words of the Ferguson Chief of Police that the strong armed robbery was unrelated to the death of M. Brown.  We have numerous accounts from eye witnesses and hearsay accounts from those close to the officer.  We have a sketchy recording of an unidentified bystander who witnessed the shooting which seems to corroborate the hearsay testimony of those close to the officer.  What we still do not have are any conclusive investigative results which corroborates either side's version, and therefore, despite any of our rushes to judgment, in reality, we are all as we began....waiting.  That being said, just as in my first post, I will not be commenting on the guilt or innocent theories in my own head, and will be addressing matters which have caused my head to spin in the past week.

In my first article on the Ferguson riots I made it clear I was posting from the view of being a white woman who is married to a black police officer. I also stated that our children are bi-racial.  I am writing this article based on the same perspective, as it is the only perspective I can have. It is who I am, and it is who we are as a family.

I have read countless postings and watched countless news stories and press releases over the past week.  One theme seems to resonate - sensationalized bandwagon jumping.  The media is guilty of it. Citizens are guilty of it. Politicians are guilty of it and organized groups are guilty of it.  I've done my best to not jump the same bias bandwagon of my choice and I will be the first to own, it's difficult for me.  My husband is an officer and I do not like what I am seeing aimed at law enforcement as a WHOLE, rather than at the individual officer involved. Likewise I am having a difficult time reconciling how those who are demanding justice have already condemned this officer before the facts are conclusive, when they are taking such a devout view that is was prejudgment that led to the death of M. Brown.

In my previous post I stated that racism is alive and real in this country, and it most certainly is.  Being a white woman married to black police officer with mixed race children, one of who has special needs, and living in the bible belt of America in a relatively affluent suburb, I can assure you I have experienced racism on many occasions and on many levels.

I have been approached by white women at Wal-mart who have thanked me for adopting my "poor little black boy".  I have been approached by black women who have given their snide comments that I "took another black man off the market".  I have been told countless times by white people "Oh, I saw your husband on his police motorcycle yesterday", and I have witnessed my husband experience racism on more levels that I could put into words.   I have had people in the waiting area of hospitals and doctor's offices ask me if I am a caretaker for the special needs child with me..."you know, like foster care?", and I have been told that mixing the races "gave that boy the autism".

First of all.... I never knew the adoption agency had access to my uterus and should they have asked to deliver the little black boy via my birth canal I would have taken issue with that.  I "got" that little black boy the old fashioned way, thanks very much.   Secondly, although he was extremely attractive, I did not tote my Glock into the police department, place it to my husband's head and force him "off the market" and into a relationship with me, nor did I force him to procreate with me, nor am I responsible for why he's never dated or married a black woman, he seems to have a mind of his own and is in fact, a grown ass man.  You will have to take up that question with him.  I'm sure glad he chose me.  Thirdly, you have never seen my husband on a police motors unit... he is not a motors unit officer and never has been.  There IS however, a black officer in our city (one of only four out of over 100 officers) that is a motors cop.... so you actually saw a black officer on a police motorcycle... I know... easy mistake... especially in this town where there's only four black officers who look exactly alike (sarcasm intended).  And as far as "mixing the races" being a cause of autism.... how about dysphagia? and seizure disorders? Our son has that as well, so I just need to know if I should check into that.... and could you explain all the white and asian and latino and "legit all black" kids with autism?  How did that happen to them?   Oh... and when you get pulled over by a black cop and you happen to be white, using the whole "he hates white people" really comes off as ignorant when the screen saver in his patrol unit includes the photo of his white wife and bi-racial children. But you didn't ever consider that, did you?   And when you take your ass up to the high school where my husband has arrested your black child and before you've ever laid eyes on my husband have spouted off with your loud mouth to school administration that the "pig" is picking on another young black male....you might want to actually SEE the school resource officer before stating such ignorance.... I know, easy mistake to make in a yuppy town with only four black cops on the payroll, but turns out not everything is about your kid being black, sometimes it's just about his illegal drug use and theft.

Yes..... I KNOW RACISM.  I know it well.  As a mother to a child who no one would identify as "mixed" without seeing me with him, I too know about the fears of my child being profiled by the police.  I have no doubt that if my child were a teenager, wearing a hoodie, walking the sidewalk, with a group of black teens, in our yuppy suburb, chances are someone would wonder what the hell those boys were up to.  And yes... I have no doubt whatsoever that it would only take one jackass whitey to call in the police saying a "gang" of blacks were doing all kinds of "things" out in the "streets".  That's a very real possibility for my son and I have genuine concerns about it.   HOWEVER..... (there's the but)  here's what I don't understand....

How in the world are those members of the black community who are perpetrating violence and mayhem against innocents and law enforcement in general helping??  How can anyone justify chanting death threats to the officer when they themselves are in an upheaval over the death of another young black man? How can anyone jump to the conclusion that this officer just decided to take out a man in the middle of the street, in front of multiple witnesses, in broad daylight, for absolutely no reason whatsoever.  How can anyone assume he has absolutely no humanity whatsoever?  How can anyone NOT even remotely ponder that he may have feared for his own life?  Not saying shooting M. Brown was justified, not saying there weren't other options....because we do not know yet.... but how can we justify the assumption that this officer after a life with no police record, while working in law enforcement, while having a known history of being a well liked, fair, just and honorable officer, just decided that day was the day to become a cold, calculated murderer??

It is those same people who are horrified that M. Brown was gunned down for simply being black, walking down the street.  We are to ignore it because he has no lengthy criminal history. We are to ignore the strong armed robbery committed just moments before his death. We are to ignore everything but his graduation photo and those with his family...... but can ANY SINGLE one of those wishing this officer dead say they would ignore the officer having multiple complaints of officer brutality?  Would they ignore if he had been placed on administrative leave in the past for an altercation with a black male....or even a white male for that matter.... after all, if we're all honest wouldn't we say without a doubt if this officer had beaten the shit out of others in the past that there would be signs and chants "HOW MANY??  WHEN IS ENOUGH??"   If we all own our own truth, we know better.  Should this officer had any past infractions in law enforcement those with hatred for him would be using it for all they could....... just as so many are using M. Brown's history as proof of his character.   It is human nature..... and so is denial of same.

I honestly believe there are a vast amount of members of all races, who are genuinely concerned with true justice for M. Brown.  They want the truth.  The whole truth.  And I truly believe once the facts are all known, that those sensible members of the melting pots of America will accept what is revealed and the justice which will be served.  If this officer was unjust in the shooting, I believe those with sense and sensibility will wholeheartedly agree he should be served justice accordingly. I also believe that there is a pocket of America who is not interested in any truth, regardless of what shall be, but simply their own agenda. 

To those who refuse to acknowledge truth, they will never acknowledge the facts which are the latest full year FBI Statistic compilation.  2,648 black Americans were murdered in the 2012 calendar year and of the 2,648 black murder victims, 2,412 were murdered by a member of their OWN RACE.   That leaves 193 murders of the 2,684 being carried out by a white person.  Additionally, in 2012, almost 500 more whites were killed than blacks.  Somehow, despite the facts, they will only see that white pigs are out to murder every black boy they see.... and no change can ever come from that.

Those who are promoting and inciting violence upon their fellow man, law enforcement in general, their communities and specifically chanting for the death of the officer, have done nothing but discredit themselves.  There is no worth in savagery. There is no justifying the destruction and mayhem.  Regardless of your plight, it will not work.

At the end of the day I can only speak my own truth.  I am a white woman, married to a black officer and today I fear for his safety from the black community, more so than from the skinheads and sovereign citizens who preach their hatred for not only blacks, but also the police.   My husband is an eighteen year veteran patrol officer.  He is a suicide prevention officer, a hostage negotiator, a crisis intervention officer, he leaves the streets nine months a year to work in the high schools. He makes it his mission to mentor young black men on the importance of making their own honest way in life, a life in which many cases is faced with racism.  He tells them his story of growing up in the same hood they did, with the same circumstances.  He tells them his truth of being one of only four black officers on a force of over a hundred...as in, it's not necessarily going to get easy for you.  He also teaches them that despite being a black man in today's society, there is no excuse for taking the wrong path. YOU and YOU alone are accountable for your actions.  You can only use your neighborhood as an excuse for so long. At some point you must own yourself.  And he teaches another truth..... racism will always be a part of your life.  As a black man you most likely will always be looked upon by many as less.  You may very well be profiled.  You may very well be judged by the color of your skin, but there is no one more powerful than YOU ALONE to change that and you and you alone dictate how much power you allow racism over your life.

Despite being an officer who has done nothing but honor his badge and dedicated his life to truly desiring to make a difference to his community, he is still judged..... I'm not sure which upsets me more?  That he is judged for being black or that he is judged and convicted simply because of the brass on his chest.  Perhaps I'm just tired of him being judged at all, as for police officers being judged goes way past the color of their skin. There is no other occupation which is systematically grouped and judged as a whole.  We never look to hold only those who are corrupt accountable....it's always "ALL" cops. My husband isn't ALL cops.  No officer is ALL cops.  And very few officers and families of officers have any sympathy for a bad cop.  There's not a corrupt cop out there that I can trust to take a bullet for my husband... and there's no doubt my husband would take a bullet for any of his brothers or sisters in blue.... as well as any stranger.  To anyone who tries to lessen my husband's character simply because of the badge he wears, your input is worthless.  I know very well who that man is, and he doesn't deserve to be gunned down simply for "signing" up to be hated.  "The only good cop is a dead cop".... that speaks volumes about our society.  If my husband encounters those willing to slaughter him in order to avoid arrest or simply because of their hatred, I pray to God he doesn't reach for a taser, or aim for a leg.  He's my world, and my children's world and if you expect me to hope "slowing down" a threat to his life is enough, then you've never spent a day in our shoes.

Despite the racism my husband encounters from his own race, and others, he refuses to compromise his character. He lives life with dignity in the face of adversity.  He refuses to stoop the the level of those who judge him.  If he encounters unfairness, he handles himself with dignity and abides by the laws he did not make, but agrees to follow as an American citizen.  If he is wronged, he goes about righting it legally, ethically, and morally..... he stands by his own truth and refuses to engage in anything which could reduce his character.  Despite the racism I encounter I choose to do the same and I choose to raise my young black son in the same manner.  Do I fear for him.... in some senses, yes. I do.  But I also know that the foundation I lay for him will help him remember to stand upon his own character, regardless of the lack of character of others.

In the past week I have seen such a growing misplaced hatred which is pointless with no hope for a change effecting outcome.  It is truly sad that this is the world we are leaving for our children.   There's not a single one of us who can honestly say we can't do better..... but there are so many who are completely unwilling to stop themselves and just do better.   Own your truth....act accordingly.  "Be the change you want to see in the world"..... it's not just a cliche quote we all read on the internet.  It holds worth.

Melissa Littles,
Founder, The Police Wife Life

I look back at my own words over the last year and see the recurring theme; how to handle being a LEOW. How to handle constant change, how to be flexible, how to maintain your sanity in the face of your own fears; how to stay calm through adversity.  I talk about being patient, being kind, being forgiving. I’ve talked about learning to give before expecting to receive. I’ve talked about the rewards received when you eliminate selfishness from your mentality.  I’ve talked about having faith, being honest, owning your own faults, accepting your weaknesses and growing through them until they become strengths.  I’ve talked about being strong, being independent, being capable. I’ve talked about letting go and let God. I’ve talked about knowing your limits, knowing when to step back, take a break, allow your LEO to be your backup, your superhero.

I’ve found myself at that end of the spectrum, that place where you realize you are all about preaching and not practicing, all about supporting and not accepting; all about helping others to find their way while you stand still on a dead end road.  I’ve found myself being forced to acknowledge the vast difference between wants and capability; the difference between your dreams of change, your hopes and visions of a better future; your belief that somehow, someway the world can still be stirred enough to evolve……and the reality that all that you’ve dreamed of is as easy to reach as lassoing the moon.

I’ve realized that regrets are useless until they invoke enlightenment. I’ve realized that enlightenment without the next leap of fate is futile. I’ve come to terms with the fact that failure is a part of everyday reality, but it is the knowledge and strength you gain from failure which drives you to determined achievement.

I’ve learned that you can never change the past, but the future is always in your own hands.  I’ve learned that self-pity is nothing more than fear of accomplishment. I’ve learned that low expectations are a form of personal protection. I’ve learned that forgiveness is more about allowing yourself to move forward than allowing those who have hurt you to be free from guilt they most likely never possessed.  I’ve learned that goals and aspirations are attainable only as long as you ignore those who desire to relish in your demise.  I’ve learned you are only as worthy as the worth you see in yourself. I’ve learned ambition is tireless and complacency is deadly. 

I’ve learned that moments are to be treasured, memories are made of moments, true love is unconditional and time does not heal all wounds. I’ve learned that loving unconditionally is not always painless but is always prosperous, although not always realized in the manner you expected.  I’ve learned at times you must walk away from what you have always known in order to find the path which has been waiting for you all along. I’ve learned that faith is blind and requires you to trust your own instinct.  I’ve learned honesty is always the best policy as without it you are continually falsifying your own character.  I’ve learned character is defined not only by actions but by intent.  I’ve learned that owning your faults is the best path to conquering your own personal obstacles. I’ve learned acceptance of self is the first step to personal growth.  I’ve learned that facing your fears is a step towards peace. I’ve learned that peace only comes from resignation of the past and the release of fault, whether by others or yourself.  I’ve learned that contentment is priceless and gratitude is invaluable.

One thing I’ve left to learn is how to accept that which cannot be changed.  How to relinquish control of what you thought you knew as truth. How to resign yourself that time only moves forward and regardless of how forgiving and accepting and tolerable you are, it is still that which can never be changed that haunts us.   And it is then that you find yourself right back where you started, relearning all you have come to know again….until you make peace with yourself and are able to let go, forever learning, forever growing. We can always do better.

A dear friend and Law Enforcement Chaplain asked me if I had any pieces regarding the “Single Parent Syndrome” which comes with life in law enforcement. Which, I do – it’s part of my workshops, but I thought especially with summer when most LEO’s have even more hectic schedules, it might make for a good perspective of the day.

My term for the single parent syndrome is:

“Married Single Parenting – Recurring Circumstantial Guarantees”

There is no doubt, you are married. However, at times there is no denying if you have children in a LEO marriage, you feel like a single parent.

My best written blog article on this issue is “The Big Picture”. If you’ve read my first book, Bullets in the Washing Machine, you know where I’m going with this.

There are several contributing factors to the Married Single Parenting factor in all LEO relationships which involve one or more parents being an Officer; they are recurring factors - as in, they will arise and reoccur often; they are circumstantial factors – as in there may be no rhyme or reason or any dependable way to predict when or where or under what circumstance these factors will occur; they are however, guaranteed to be a part of your life as the parent of a LEO child and the partner or spouse of a LEO parent.  Recurring Circumstantial Guarantees.

There are several things which can be done to (in a way) “train yourself” as a parent of a LEO child and spouse of a LEO to ensure that these recurring circumstances do not cause a strain on your relationship with your LEO, nor cause resentment to build over time within not only yourself, but your child. It all comes back to making a decision to own your emotions during these recurring circumstantial guarantees, and in owning those emotions you can then make a choice – to act or to react.

One of the most recurring statements I hear from new mothers who are the spouses of LEO’s is: “I didn’t get married to be alone and I didn’t have a baby to be a single parent”.  My first response to that statement every time is “But you are married to and have a child with an Officer, so how you choose to handle your reality is now up to you”.

It is a very common and known statement: “Parenting is the hardest job on earth; it’s also the most rewarding”.  I’ve never once heard someone say “Parenting is the most rewarding job on earth, as long as you have adult company and help along the way”.  Just as we’ve all heard the phrase “It takes continual effort to make a marriage work”.  I’ve never once heard “There’s nothing as simple and carefree as marriage”.  So why then, are we prone to get married, have children then resent feeling alone when married to an officer?  Well, there’s also a very common phrase “We’re in this together”, and oftentimes in a LEO marriage you are left feeling very much alone.

All things in in life are about balance. Marriage and parenting are no exceptions.  One of the hardest things, it seems to me, for spouses of LEO’s to overcome is the notion of what their expectation of marriage was, and the reality that their marriage, to a LEO – is far from that expectation.  Our expectations of marriage are oftentimes so tainted by the “fairytale” which often has been engrained in us from childhood – henceforth the phrase “the honeymoon is over!”  Clearly we are not alone in those feelings of being slapped in the face with a reality which does not conform to our expectations or that would not be phrase known worldwide.  Add the badge into that factor and you are in for a whole new level of reality. Add being a parent along with being a spouse of an officer and you’ve just been knocked off an even larger pedestal.  So now what?

Like it or not, there is, and has always been a very no nonsense, no therapy needed solution to the mystery of making marriage and parenting in a LEO marriage (in any marriage really) work…. in my own words… “Selfish Is Not An Option”.  When you remove the “Me” from your thought process, it changes everything.   Now I hear the resounding cry of “No ME?! But I shouldn’t have to lose myself or give up who I am for the sake of WE”.  That’s not what I said.  You can very much have a sense of self and self-worth while approaching your marriage and parenting with a “We” mentality.  You do not have to lose yourself, much the opposite, you can gain a whole new sense of self, independent self, which is still very much committed to the “we” of your marriage and family.  Again, it is finding that balance….and how do you maintain balance?

You cannot balance anything by standing on one side. You cannot balance anything which involves more than yourself, standing alone.  Picture a seesaw in your head. If there is one of you, plus your partner, plus children, you will never find balance unless you equally distribute the weight on each end….and how does that seesaw then operate? One side has to do some work to bring the other side up and down. A seesaw is a balancing act and you will never operate one with only “ME”, there must be “WE”…..but part of that “WE” is YOU.  You cannot lose your sense of self to make the “WE” work.  Make more sense that way?  But it always seems like you’re alone on the seesaw! I hear you all now. 

So, if you are all alone…..where is your partner, and how does he/she feel about you, seemingly being all alone?

I have always approached marriage to my LEO with the constant phrase in my mind: “He doesn’t make the calls that keep him from his family, but he has a duty to answer them”.  There have been many a time I have been home alone, kids sick, me sick – at the same time. I needed him, I needed his help; things would be so much easier if he were home.  Trips to the doctor with kids puking, alone; I needed him. Trips to the ballpark, alone; it felt awkward to see all the other parents together. There have been plenty of times I was having a hard time, I was just plain tired, lonely, bored and where was he? There have plenty of sleepless nights, alone in bed, sometimes through storms or when past memories have left me scared – I needed him, where was he?  No really…..when I take my needs and wants out of the equation, when I remove the “ME”, where was he? 

Was he sitting in a patrol car, tired, hungry, missing his family, counting down the hours and praying a drunk didn’t appear before him ten minutes before he could finally get back to us? Yes, he was.  Was he exhausted, twelve hours into a shift when a call came over the radio of a baby who had drown, or a family strewn about a freeway, in pieces? Was he rubbing menthol under his nose in 105° heat while standing over the bloated bodies of an abusive husband who murdered his family, then himself....five days earlier? Was he sitting at a road block, angered at the call that came over the radio that another officer called in sick, therefore leaving a shorthanded Sergeant looking to him to cover? Was he so shaken after stepping around a dark corner only to be fired upon in the dead of night, or so taken back by the scuffle which came from nowhere, finding himself fighting for his own weapon, that he took his day off and spent it at the range, practicing, when he could have been home? Did you even wonder why they spend time off practicing? They don’t tell you everything…..for a reason.  Did he come home to you again, finally, yet immediately fall asleep?  Are any of those recurring circumstantial guarantees what makes you say “where was he?”  if so, are they less important than what had you asking “what about me?”

We’ve all heard the phrases “Love is give and take” and “You get what you give”.  I guarantee whomever came up with those two phrases had a failed marriage in a short amount of time.  Those statements should be combined and rephrased as “Love is you give and you will receive”.  My very favorite bible verse says it all: 

Love is patient, love is kind, It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, but love rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. And now with faith, hope and love abide, but the greatest of these, is love.  1 Cor. 13: 4-13.

That is what it takes.  Selfish is not an option.  You cannot do any of those things with expectations in return.  Love is not “I will give as long as I get back”. Love is not “I can only give so much and get nothing in return”. Love is not conditional. Period.  In a LEO marriage you may give and give and give some more before your LEO has the opportunity to give back. Your LEO may not be able to give back equally, what if he/she can’t?  What if you have the capacity and hours and fortitude and ability to give more?  Do you keep a score sheet?  Do you love your LEO only enough to stay even? Do you love only as much as you feel you get in return?  If the truth of love is as that verse says above for you, does that mean you are slighted if you don’t feel the same in return?  And are your “feelings” the reality of your LEO’s ability?  When you put that verse in the lap of your LEO – is he purposely going out of his way to NOT love you, or not give back, or not be available? Or are the recurring circumstantial guarantees of his duty preventing him from being able to keep the score even? And…..is he to blame?  Should you love him less, or differently or hold resentment against him because of the circumstances which he has a duty to deal with? Should he pay? Will that make the nights less lonely? Will it keep drunks off the street? Will it satisfy your feelings of lacking to give him the cold shoulder, start an argument, distance yourself or make your LEO into the bad guy who is unavailable to your children? 

Do you sacrifice self for the sake of another?  Your LEO does every day. You LEO sacrifices time with family, misses holidays, spends lonely nights on the streets, is exposed to tragedies which leave permanent emotional scars, consistently has meals missed, time off taken away, moments interrupted, anticipations crushed…..and your LEO is called to his/her duty. It is not something they sign up for, it is something that is within them. It is who they are.  Could you make those daily sacrifices; be disrespected by most, hated by many, consistently unappreciated?  Can you look at your duty to your LEO and say you will only fulfill that duty conditionally? You will give what you get.  You will give when you have something to take? Or can you sacrifice yourself for the sake of “we”?  Can the “me” in you think of “we” when it is YOU who has the duty to hold up the end of the seesaw? Or will you jump off and let it come crashing down?  The seesaw is a balancing act….the ups and downs come easy, the balancing in the middle is what takes the effort. 

Things which will make Married Single Parenting easier:

1. Always remember your LEO does not make the calls, but they have a duty to answer them.

Your job as a spouse and parent are universally revered as two of the most desirable and important positions one can ever hold.  Have you ever heard of anyone looking at a cop and saying the same? Would that put a damper on how you did your duty if it were true?  If someone were to say to you “Marriage and parenting is awesome unless you’re married to a cop” would you decide to be less dedicated to either?  Your LEO is told daily how worthless he/she is in society, so much so that people seek to extinguish him/her from the planet.  Wonder how it feels to come home to a spouse and family letting you know exactly how much you have neglected them and their needs while you were away?

2. Before you REACT, think about how to ACT to find a resolution.  When those recurring circumstantial guarantees interrupt your life, before you react in the moment, think about how your actions will impact your marriage and family, and instead act accordingly to find the positive and eliminate the negative….the first step in that, is removing any selfish tendencies.

3. Never play the blame game.  If you have resolved yourself to the fact that your LEO has a duty to answer those calls, don’t blame them for doing their job, or for being who they are.  Any time you expect someone to change who they are to fit your needs, you are not living in love. You are reacting out of selfish want.  Do not inflict your personal frustrations onto your LEO.  Do not blame them for being late, or being called out or for the feelings of fear or loneliness of frustration you feel because they answered the call.  Do not give the cold shoulder because you didn’t get what you feel you gave.  Continue to give, continue to love, continue to be selfless and your LEO will recognize and appreciate your efforts, and not feel guilty for not being enough for you. In turn, you will receive all they have to give, when they have the opportunity and ability to give it.

4. Be your LEO’s biggest cheerleader and teach your children the same.  LEO children grown up with their LEO parent being unavailable due to many recurring circumstantial guarantees. Teach them the reason they are not available are circumstantial, not fundamental.  Teach them the importance of their LEO parent’s duty. Teach them their parent isn’t away for no reason, but for a very significant reason. Raise your children to respect their LEO parent as the hero they truly are.  If you want society to respect and revere and value your LEO, don’t ever teach your own children differently.  Never, ever make your LEO the bad guy for not being available, even in the most disappointing of circumstances. To a child, those REACTIONS leave a lasting impression which will lead to resentment which in honesty, is born only from your selfish reaction out of emotion in a moment of frustration.

5. Make memories out of moments.  Teach your children that it is quality of time, not quantity. Learn to be flexible. Show your children that dinner can be five minutes in a parking lot. Teach your children that even if they only saw their LEO parent for five minutes that day, that the hug and kiss and “I love you” should be cherished, not resented. There is no guarantee for another hug or kiss or five minutes, it is up to you to teach your children to cherish the moments, to appreciate time together, not focus on time apart.  They learn from you. You are molding them, you are their example.  You can raise them to respect the importance of LEO life or you will raise them being selfish, bitter and resentful children, based solely on how you portray their LEO parent to them.  Their LEO parent has the duty to be the best parent they can be in the time they have available, if they do not fulfill that role, that needs to be on them, not something created or contributed to by you.

6. Lose the stigma of getting help. There are many LEO marriages and families in distress. Many cannot cope or deal with the stresses which come with this life. Many spouses of LEO’s are living in abusive situations. Many LEO’s are living in marriages with spouses who are selfish. It is a two way street on the dark side of our thin blue line. Many don’t want to address it.  There is infidelity, drug use, alcoholism, abuse and distress in many LEO marriages. There are marriages that cannot be saved and shouldn’t be. There are however, many, many LEO marriages which can be salvaged and thrive when circumstances are given a true perspective and measures are taken MUTUALLY to resolve those issues. BOTH parties, when willing to commit to change, which may involve professional help, can in many cases get back to the love they once had.  Another step which involves sacrifice of self; selfish pride is one of the biggest contributing factors to the demise of salvageable marriages.

This life may not be a bed of roses. It may be something completely different than what you expected. You are here now. What will you choose to do? How will you choose to approach this life? Will you dedicate yourself to living positively, regardless of circumstances which could allow you to react negatively?  Living and loving selflessly, while maintaining your own sense of importance in your role in contributing to the emotional well being of all those in your family will bring you benefits in return which could never be tracked.  Mutual dedication, love and respect in a marriage does not come with a scoreboard. It is much like a playing field……and you can choose to work together on the same side for the win, or you can take opposite sides and play against each other until the game is over. The choice however, must begin with your decision to put your “ME” into the “WE” of your life.  ©TPWL