I look back at my own words over the last year and see the recurring theme; how to handle being a LEOW. How to handle constant change, how to be flexible, how to maintain your sanity in the face of your own fears; how to stay calm through adversity.  I talk about being patient, being kind, being forgiving. I’ve talked about learning to give before expecting to receive. I’ve talked about the rewards received when you eliminate selfishness from your mentality.  I’ve talked about having faith, being honest, owning your own faults, accepting your weaknesses and growing through them until they become strengths.  I’ve talked about being strong, being independent, being capable. I’ve talked about letting go and letting God. I’ve talked about knowing your limits, knowing when to step back, take a break, allow your LEO to be your backup, your superhero.

 

I’ve found myself at that end of the spectrum, that place where you realize you are all about preaching and not practicing, all about supporting and not accepting; all about helping others to find their way while you stand still on a dead end road.  I’ve found myself being forced to acknowledge the vast difference between wants and capability; the difference between your dreams of change, your hopes and visions of a better future; your belief that somehow, someway the world can still be stirred enough to evolve……and the reality that all you’ve dreamed of is as easy to reach as lassoing the moon.

 

I’ve realized that regrets are useless until they invoke enlightenment. I’ve realized that enlightenment without the next leap of fate is futile. I’ve come to terms with the fact that failure is a part of everyday reality, but it is the knowledge and strength you gain from failure which drives you to determined achievement.

 

I’ve learned that you can never change the past, but the future is always in your own hands.  I’ve learned that self-pity is nothing more than fear of accomplishment. I’ve learned that low expectations are a form of personal protection. I’ve learned that forgiveness is more about allowing yourself to move forward than allowing those who have hurt you to be free from guilt they most likely never possessed.  I’ve learned that goals and aspirations are attainable only as long as you ignore those who desire to relish in your demise.  I’ve learned you are only as worthy as the worth you see in yourself. I’ve learned ambition is tireless and complacency is deadly. 

 

I’ve learned that moments are to be treasured, memories are made of moments, true love is unconditional and time does not heal all wounds. I’ve learned that loving unconditionally is not always painless but is always prosperous, although not always realized in the manner you expected.  I’ve learned at times you must walk away from what you have always known in order to find the path which has been right in front of your eyes. I’ve learned that faith is blind and requires you to trust your own instinct.  I’ve learned honesty is always the best policy as without it you are continually falsifying your own character.  I’ve learned character is defined not only by actions but by intent.  I’ve learned that owning your faults is the best path to conquering your own personal obstacles. I’ve learned acceptance of self is the first step to personal growth.  I’ve learned that facing your fears is a step towards peace. I’ve learned that peace only comes from resignation of the past and the release of fault, whether by others or yourself.  I’ve learned that contentment is priceless and gratitude is invaluable.

 

One thing I’ve left to learn is how to accept that which cannot be changed.  How to relinquish control of what you thought you knew as truth. How to resign yourself that time only moves forward and regardless of how forgiving and accepting and tolerable you are, it is still that which can never be changed that haunts us.   And it is then that you find yourself right back where you started, relearning all you have come to know again….until you make peace with yourself and are able to let go, forever learning, forever growing. We can always do better.

This is a follow up post from my Ferguson Riots, As seen from a different point of view post. 

A week has passed since the death of M. Brown.  Although new information continues to come to light, there are still many unanswered questions.  We now know the name of the officer who shot the deceased. We have now seen video surveillance tape of the deceased participating in a strong armed robbery just prior to his death. We have an admission from his friend who was with him that they indeed participated in the strong armed robbery just prior to his death.  We also have the words of the Ferguson Chief of Police that the strong armed robbery was unrelated to the death of M. Brown.  We have numerous accounts from eye witnesses and hearsay accounts from those close to the officer.  We have a sketchy recording of an unidentified bystander who witnessed the shooting which seems to corroborate the hearsay testimony of those close to the officer.  What we still do not have are any conclusive investigative results which corroborates either side's version, and therefore, despite any of our rushes to judgment, in reality, we are all as we began....waiting.  That being said, just as in my first post, I will not be commenting on the guilt or innocent theories in my own head, and will be addressing matters which have caused my head to spin in the past week.

In my first article on the Ferguson riots I made it clear I was posting from the view of being a white woman who is married to a black police officer. I also stated that our children are bi-racial.  I am writing this article based on the same perspective, as it is the only perspective I can have. It is who I am, and it is who we are as a family.

I have read countless postings and watched countless news stories and press releases over the past week.  One theme seems to resonate - sensationalized bandwagon jumping.  The media is guilty of it. Citizens are guilty of it. Politicians are guilty of it and organized groups are guilty of it.  I've done my best to not jump the same bias bandwagon of my choice and I will be the first to own, it's difficult for me.  My husband is an officer and I do not like what I am seeing aimed at law enforcement as a WHOLE, rather than at the individual officer involved. Likewise I am having a difficult time reconciling how those who are demanding justice have already condemned this officer before the facts are conclusive, when they are taking such a devout view that is was prejudgment that led to the death of M. Brown.

In my previous post I stated that racism is alive and real in this country, and it most certainly is.  Being a white woman married to black police officer with mixed race children, one of who has special needs, and living in the bible belt of America in a relatively affluent suburb, I can assure you I have experienced racism on many occasions and on many levels.

I have been approached by white women at Wal-mart who have thanked me for adopting my "poor little black boy".  I have been approached by black women who have given their snide comments that I "took another black man off the market".  I have been told countless times by white people "Oh, I saw your husband on his police motorcycle yesterday", and I have witnessed my husband experience racism on more levels that I could put into words.   I have had people in the waiting area of hospitals and doctor's offices ask me if I am a caretaker for the special needs child with me..."you know, like foster care?", and I have been told that mixing the races "gave that boy the autism".

First of all.... I never knew the adoption agency had access to my uterus and should they have asked to deliver the little black boy via my birth canal I would have taken issue with that.  I "got" that little black boy the old fashioned way, thanks very much.   Secondly, although he was extremely attractive, I did not tote my Glock into the police department, place it to my husband's head and force him "off the market" and into a relationship with me, nor did I force him to procreate with me, nor am I responsible for why he's never dated or married a black woman, he seems to have a mind of his own and is in fact, a grown ass man.  You will have to take up that question with him.  I'm sure glad he chose me.  Thirdly, you have never seen my husband on a police motors unit... he is not a motors unit officer and never has been.  There IS however, a black officer in our city (one of only four out of over 100 officers) that is a motors cop.... so you actually saw a black officer on a police motorcycle... I know... easy mistake... especially in this town where there's only four black officers who look exactly alike (sarcasm intended).  And as far as "mixing the races" being a cause of autism.... how about dysphagia? and seizure disorders? Our son has that as well, so I just need to know if I should check into that.... and could you explain all the white and asian and latino and "legit all black" kids with autism?  How did that happen to them?   Oh... and when you get pulled over by a black cop and you happen to be white, using the whole "he hates white people" really comes off as ignorant when the screen saver in his patrol unit includes the photo of his white wife and bi-racial children. But you didn't ever consider that, did you?   And when you take your ass up to the high school where my husband has arrested your black child and before you've ever laid eyes on my husband have spouted off with your loud mouth to school administration that the "pig" is picking on another young black male....you might want to actually SEE the school resource officer before stating such ignorance.... I know, easy mistake to make in a yuppy town with only four black cops on the payroll, but turns out not everything is about your kid being black, sometimes it's just about his illegal drug use and theft.

Yes..... I KNOW RACISM.  I know it well.  As a mother to a child who no one would identify as "mixed" without seeing me with him, I too know about the fears of my child being profiled by the police.  I have no doubt that if my child were a teenager, wearing a hoodie, walking the sidewalk, with a group of black teens, in our yuppy suburb, chances are someone would wonder what the hell those boys were up to.  And yes... I have no doubt whatsoever that it would only take one jackass whitey to call in the police saying a "gang" of blacks were doing all kinds of "things" out in the "streets".  That's a very real possibility for my son and I have genuine concerns about it.   HOWEVER..... (there's the but)  here's what I don't understand....

How in the world are those members of the black community who are perpetrating violence and mayhem against innocents and law enforcement in general helping??  How can anyone justify chanting death threats to the officer when they themselves are in an upheaval over the death of another young black man? How can anyone jump to the conclusion that this officer just decided to take out a man in the middle of the street, in front of multiple witnesses, in broad daylight, for absolutely no reason whatsoever.  How can anyone assume he has absolutely no humanity whatsoever?  How can anyone NOT even remotely ponder that he may have feared for his own life?  Not saying shooting M. Brown was justified, not saying there weren't other options....because we do not know yet.... but how can we justify the assumption that this officer after a life with no police record, while working in law enforcement, while having a known history of being a well liked, fair, just and honorable officer, just decided that day was the day to become a cold, calculated murderer??

It is those same people who are horrified that M. Brown was gunned down for simply being black, walking down the street.  We are to ignore it because he has no lengthy criminal history. We are to ignore the strong armed robbery committed just moments before his death. We are to ignore everything but his graduation photo and those with his family...... but can ANY SINGLE one of those wishing this officer dead say they would ignore the officer having multiple complaints of officer brutality?  Would they ignore if he had been placed on administrative leave in the past for an altercation with a black male....or even a white male for that matter.... after all, if we're all honest wouldn't we say without a doubt if this officer had beaten the shit out of others in the past that there would be signs and chants "HOW MANY??  WHEN IS ENOUGH??"   If we all own our own truth, we know better.  Should this officer had any past infractions in law enforcement those with hatred for him would be using it for all they could....... just as so many are using M. Brown's history as proof of his character.   It is human nature..... and so is denial of same.

I honestly believe there are a vast amount of members of all races, who are genuinely concerned with true justice for M. Brown.  They want the truth.  The whole truth.  And I truly believe once the facts are all known, that those sensible members of the melting pots of America will accept what is revealed and the justice which will be served.  If this officer was unjust in the shooting, I believe those with sense and sensibility will wholeheartedly agree he should be served justice accordingly. I also believe that there is a pocket of America who is not interested in any truth, regardless of what shall be, but simply their own agenda. 

To those who refuse to acknowledge truth, they will never acknowledge the facts which are the latest full year FBI Statistic compilation.  2,648 black Americans were murdered in the 2012 calendar year and of the 2,648 black murder victims, 2,412 were murdered by a member of their OWN RACE.   That leaves 193 murders of the 2,684 being carried out by a white person.  Additionally, in 2012, almost 500 more whites were killed than blacks.  Somehow, despite the facts, they will only see that white pigs are out to murder every black boy they see.... and no change can ever come from that.

Those who are promoting and inciting violence upon their fellow man, law enforcement in general, their communities and specifically chanting for the death of the officer, have done nothing but discredit themselves.  There is no worth in savagery. There is no justifying the destruction and mayhem.  Regardless of your plight, it will not work.

At the end of the day I can only speak my own truth.  I am a white woman, married to a black officer and today I fear for his safety from the black community, more so than from the skinheads and sovereign citizens who preach their hatred for not only blacks, but also the police.   My husband is an eighteen year veteran patrol officer.  He is a suicide prevention officer, a hostage negotiator, a crisis intervention officer, he leaves the streets nine months a year to work in the high schools. He makes it his mission to mentor young black men on the importance of making their own honest way in life, a life in which many cases is faced with racism.  He tells them his story of growing up in the same hood they did, with the same circumstances.  He tells them his truth of being one of only four black officers on a force of over a hundred...as in, it's not necessarily going to get easy for you.  He also teaches them that despite being a black man in today's society, there is no excuse for taking the wrong path. YOU and YOU alone are accountable for your actions.  You can only use your neighborhood as an excuse for so long. At some point you must own yourself.  And he teaches another truth..... racism will always be a part of your life.  As a black man you most likely will always be looked upon by many as less.  You may very well be profiled.  You may very well be judged by the color of your skin, but there is no one more powerful than YOU ALONE to change that and you and you alone dictate how much power you allow racism over your life.

Despite being an officer who has done nothing but honor his badge and dedicated his life to truly desiring to make a difference to his community, he is still judged..... I'm not sure which upsets me more?  That he is judged for being black or that he is judged and convicted simply because of the brass on his chest.  Perhaps I'm just tired of him being judged at all, as for police officers being judged goes way past the color of their skin. There is no other occupation which is systematically grouped and judged as a whole.  We never look to hold only those who are corrupt accountable....it's always "ALL" cops. My husband isn't ALL cops.  No officer is ALL cops.  And very few officers and families of officers have any sympathy for a bad cop.  There's not a corrupt cop out there that I can trust to take a bullet for my husband... and there's no doubt my husband would take a bullet for any of his brothers or sisters in blue.... as well as any stranger.  To anyone who tries to lessen my husband's character simply because of the badge he wears, your input is worthless.  I know very well who that man is, and he doesn't deserve to be gunned down simply for "signing" up to be hated.  "The only good cop is a dead cop".... that speaks volumes about our society.  If my husband encounters those willing to slaughter him in order to avoid arrest or simply because of their hatred, I pray to God he doesn't reach for a taser, or aim for a leg.  He's my world, and my children's world and if you expect me to hope "slowing down" a threat to his life is enough, then you've never spent a day in our shoes.

Despite the racism my husband encounters from his own race, and others, he refuses to compromise his character. He lives life with dignity in the face of adversity.  He refuses to stoop the the level of those who judge him.  If he encounters unfairness, he handles himself with dignity and abides by the laws he did not make, but agrees to follow as an American citizen.  If he is wronged, he goes about righting it legally, ethically, and morally..... he stands by his own truth and refuses to engage in anything which could reduce his character.  Despite the racism I encounter I choose to do the same and I choose to raise my young black son in the same manner.  Do I fear for him.... in some senses, yes. I do.  But I also know that the foundation I lay for him will help him remember to stand upon his own character, regardless of the lack of character of others.

In the past week I have seen such a growing misplaced hatred which is pointless with no hope for a change effecting outcome.  It is truly sad that this is the world we are leaving for our children.   There's not a single one of us who can honestly say we can't do better..... but there are so many who are completely unwilling to stop themselves and just do better.   Own your truth....act accordingly.  "Be the change you want to see in the world"..... it's not just a cliche quote we all read on the internet.  It holds worth.

Melissa Littles,
Founder, The Police Wife Life

 “If you knew then what you know now, would you do it all again?” It’s a question asked by many at certain times in life.  It is a question asked of me, by many, about life as a wife of a law enforcement officer. Whether it is asked of those who are newly married into this life, or those considering it, or just those who ask out of simple curiosity, nonetheless, my answer never waivers.  However, in answering “yes”, one must know the reason why, and that reason goes far beyond what one might initially consider.

His heart is what drew me in, all those years ago.  I saw a man determined to make a difference, I saw a man, willing to lend a hand or an ear to a friend in need.  I saw someone dedicated to his family, someone who consistently put others above himself.  I saw a man with humility and dignity. I saw compassion and integrity.  And if I had known then what I know now, I think I would have had a whole other level of respect for him back then.  It doesn’t work that way though. For it is in the learning and living this life of law enforcement that those of us who love them come to understand just exactly what they endure, and it is then that as one who loves them you truly begin to understand what kind of men and women they must be to be able to keep their hearts from hardening, despite all the badge brings to their lives.

It is a life of constant “Catch 22’s” for those who are compelled to protect and serve.  The days have long since passed from a time when a Norman Rockwell painting of a Police Officer and a little boy at a soda fountain depicted the innocence of youth and the general consensus that in times of need, it is the peacekeepers who are there as the everyday heroes. 

As National Police Week is once again upon us, another year and so many more names of the fallen etched on that wall, and it is clear the tides have turned.  Back in those Norman Rockwell days we were aware that an Officer was willing to lay down his life in the line of duty. As we look at that wall today we know, the peacekeepers are in the midst of a war on American soil wherein more times than not, they themselves are the target, and to live that way, with a bulls eye on your back from those very people you are sworn to protect, well that is something which makes you fully aware of what those who protect and serve are dealing with.

As the spouse of a law enforcement officer, it is the knowledge of the truth which is my painful motivator.  It is in knowing the judgment and animosity which is aimed at the love of my life, the father of my children, which compels me to be the rock which holds his foundation in place. 

It is often said by those of us who love them, If you only knew what I know, if you could only see what I see, if you could only open your heart long enough to see past the brass on his chest, to the gold on his finger, and the love in his heart.  Then, you might consider the man more than the badge.

What I know now about this man, and so many men and women like him is that badge does not represent a job, it represents a life.  The badge may come off his chest at the end of his shift, however, he is still an officer, for there is no off switch.

What I know now is that an eight hour shift will become a ten hour shift because of a drunk driver crossing my husband’s path at seven hours and fifty three minutes into his eight hour shift. What I know now is that although it is against the law to drive drunk and endanger others, my husband must honor the rights of that drunk as it is my husband who is being filmed by his own dash cam and who will be called into court later and it is my husband who will have to defend his actions in arresting a citizen who was endangering the lives of others. What I know now is a drunk comes with two hours of paperwork which must be done before my husband can come home to me. What I know now is that twelve hours later when he finally makes it home his main concern will be showering the drunk off of him before he collapses out of exhaustion. What I now know is unlike what most who drink and drive think, the last thing my husband wanted was to cross paths with a drunk less than ten minutes before he could have come home to a hot meal, the game and his family. 

What I know now is that dead bodies have a stench which an officer can smell in his dreams. What I know now is charred bodies have their own distinctive smell as well.  What I know now is that in the winter time blood rises up as steam when it spills from a body onto the frozen street.  What I know now is that flesh and brain matter and body parts can get stuck in the tread of an officer’s boots.  What I know now is that a unit, in a driveway, with all four doors open, is not a sign of an irresponsible officer leaving his unit wide open, by the sure sign of an officer airing out a unit which he can’t get the smell of feces or vomit out of, despite his attempts to clean it. 

What I know now is how much thirty three pounds weighs, as I lift his duty belt and his vest off the bed, after he has removed it from his waist after carrying it for twelve hours, after leaning on it, trying to sit in it, having to run in it, having to wrestle in it. 

What I know now is that everyone has had two drinks, no one owns their own pants, everyone is driving their cousin’s car and no one knows anyone else’s real name.

What I know now is that although duty calls them to run towards danger, their human instinct tells them to run away, yet they make the conscious decision to run forward anyway.  What I know now is they are fully aware that each and every time they run towards danger, that they may never return to their family again.

What I know now is that they are compelled to help those in need, but by offering that help there comes a price.  What I know now is that a child who is found duct taped in a closet will return in an officer’s dreams for years.  What I know now is that a teenager whose twisted body, entwined with the metal of a wreckage will make them think of their own teenager, and that sight will make them sick at their stomach, but they will control their human instinct in order to perform their duty. 

What I know now is that most elderly people die on the toilet and are not found for days until an officer is called out on a welfare check.  What I know now is that hoarders not only bury themselves in their own human waste, but they save dead animals as well.

What I know now is that taking a child from his own parents, even when those parents have beaten and bruised that child is extremely painful, and an officer will still be viewed as the bad man who took a child from the only world they have ever known.  What I know now is how horrible an officer feels when he must leave that child in the care of the state, which has no room for that child either.

What I know now is that although citizens have every right to taunt my husband by filming him and egging him on and calling him a PIG and wishing him dead, regardless of ever meeting him or knowing him, or seeing the picture of him rocking his baby, there is no point in telling them otherwise.  They live in America, and they have rights.  The right to show compassion or understand what I know, is not on their agenda.

What I know now is that an officer can survive four tours of duty in Iraq, be hailed a hero, only to return to America, put on a badge, and instantly become the enemy.  What I know now is that an officer will be disrespected by those very men and women he served with overseas.  They will say “at least you get to come home”….. I will say “I hope to God he lives through what America has lined up for him”.  What I know now is they will fly a flag for him when he is deployed, but they will say they pay his salary when he wears a badge at home.

What I know now is how hard it is to see my husband stand in honor of one who is lost. What I know now is what “Blue Family” means when it comes to an officer’s funeral. What I know now is exactly what the term “gut wrenching yet beautiful” means.

What I know now is why so many officers eat their own guns.

What I know now is what a bad day looks like on the face and body of my husband. What I know now is the toll the badge has taken on his life.  I know how to wake him from the monsters which fill his sleep.  I know why he constantly pays attention to his surroundings. I know why he has taught me to shoot a gun. I know why he doesn’t let our kids ride the school bus.  I know why he never drives home the same way twice.  I know why he stands up to eat when he makes it home for lunch.  I know why some nights he is silent.  I know why he takes his boots off before he brings his last call through the door to our home.  I know why he doesn’t cry anymore.  I know why his smiles are distracted.  I know why he stares at me sometimes.  I know why he stands alone in the hall, looking into our children’s rooms at night.

What I know now is how to fix a leaky sink, change my own oil, haul three kids to the doctor alone, explain to family why we can’t make it again.  What I know now is that eight hours equal twelve, lunch time is after dark, breakfast is at lunch time and Monday is usually on Wednesday.  I know now how to reheat meals up to three times without ruining them.  I know how to load three kids in a car and get dinner to the back of the parking lot beside the rail road tracks in ten minutes flat.  I know how to get blood out of anything.  I know how to wrap broken fingers and disinfect bloody knuckles. I know when an eye is swollen enough to have it looked at.  I know it’s a good thing when my husband’s voice is on the other end of the phone saying he’s hurt, because he can still speak and make a call.  I know the panic will overcome me when I see a unit rolling up to my house when my husband isn’t home, but I know I am prepared for it.

What I know now that I didn’t know then is nothing is what I expected it to be.  I expected this life to be hard on me, what I never anticipated is how hard it is on him.  What I know now is a whole other level of respect for the duty that badge holds.  What I know now is our truth….. that this man is the same man who stole my heart.  Over 16 years behind the badge and his character hasn’t wavered.  However, the character of America has. What I know now is that I still love him for who he is, but I love him so much more to make up for all who hate him.  And yes,  I would do it all again because this is who we are.  My husband is a law enforcement officer, and I would gladly sign up to be his wife all over again.

Melissa Littles
Founder, The Police Wife Life ©TPWL

She sat in the floor of their closet staring at his uniforms, clad in the plastic dry cleaner bags, untouched.  He would wear a uniform out before putting together a new one.  It was almost bad luck to him. He settled into those uniforms, the wear and tear from his duty belt proof of his dedication to his work.  She would often encourage him to break in a new one and yet he resisted. As much as he desired to be sharp and crisp and perfectly pulled together, a new uniform was like unknown territory to him. It wasn’t broken in or comfortable and it left him off his mark, like a new pair of shoes being worn on the biggest race day of a runner’s career.  A slight smile washed across her face at the thought of all his particulars. She picked up the bristled brush from the shoe box he used to shine his boots each day before heading out to shift, running her fingers through it, soaking up the smell of shoe polish which lingered in the air. Her eyes wandered to the empty hook above her head which held his duty belt and the empty hanger which held his uniform shirt. Empty. That’s exactly how she felt as well.

Another sleepless night, like so many before, trying to make sense of it, trying to bring justice to it, she struggled just as she had for years. Not knowing what to do, how to feel, what to say, she tried to shut the thoughts and visions and memories from her mind.  Everything he had told her for years, now seemed to be unavoidably true. For all the times she tried to talk sense to him, for all the nights she tried to calm him, for all the days she tried to convince him he did all he could, she now felt the despair he felt. Hopelessness. Anguish. Failure.  She now truly believed she understood what she had tried so desperately to convince him wasn’t real for years.  It was real. It would forever be real.  There was no more escaping it.

The frozen air and blinding wind of a Chicago morning in January took his breath away. He pulled his stocking cap down over his ears as he reached for his gun and crept around the side of the house.  The call had come in as shots fired.  Multiple neighbors reporting the same but no one actually seeing anything out of the ordinary.  He lingered a bit as he waited for backup but he knew he had to go in without waiting. No cars in the drive, no lights on in the house, yet something screamed at him that it wasn’t right. It was very, very wrong and he felt it. As he approached the door, his flashlight shining in the window, he saw nothing. No signs of foul play, no signs of life at all….and that’s what made his hair stand on end. His gut told him someone was in there, but who? Alive? Dead? Lying in wait? Was this one of those fake 911 calls to entice an officer into an ambush? He didn’t know what to think about that feeling in his gut. Just then another gust of blustery wind rushed up against his back and onto the porch and his eyes moved as the front door inched open with the burst of wind.  An invitation to the madness. Now at an ever heightened sense of alert he questioned going in alone. He knew backup was only minutes, possibly seconds away, but the open door proved too powerful as it lured him inside. No one could have ever anticipated what he would find.  For the first time in fifteen years of exposure to death and destruction and mayhem he found himself rushing to the closest toilet as he vomited up the vision which was just permanently and forever seared in his mind.

They hadn’t been as close lately. For whatever reason, call it life or stress or hectic schedules. Honestly he knew about the marriage problems. Their wives talked and frankly he was annoyed at the stress it placed on his own wife. They used to be inseparable. They were like brothers, not just in blue, they were like blood brothers. Best friends for years, they knew everything about each other. No secrets, no lies, nothing to hide…or so he believed.  They were Godfathers to each others children. They went on family vacations together. They were partners for nine years, but lately there was a distance. Maybe it was just him being annoyed, maybe it was the chaos of everyday life, but he just didn’t pay much attention to the change in his partner.  Truth be told, he dismissed him. He had even joked with his wife that it was like a nine year itch, perhaps it was time for a new model.

His partner had called in sick. He had called to check on him, no answer. Par for the course lately he thought.  But not now. Everything had changed in a heartbeat and nothing could make any of this real. Nothing could make any sense of it. There had to be more. There had to be a reason.  As he was pulled from the bathroom by his colleagues who had arrived on scene it began to hit him. It was real. It was true. This was no dream.  His best friend and partner had eaten his service weapon, his head half blown off inside the home of his mistress who lay dead in a pool of blood on the floor. His one eye left, open as if to say "where were you?"  He didn’t know whether to feel disgusted or angry or overwhelmed with sadness.  His wife…..dear God, his wife and babies. How was he going to tell her?  As the reality of what was to come washed over him, thinking of the pain his partner’s wife would endure, he felt more lost than he had ever felt before.

As the years went by he could never shake it. He felt an overwhelming sense of failure. How could he not know? How could he be so out of touch? He felt guilt for being so absorbed with his own family, he felt guilt for dismissing his partner’s conversations about the issues in his marriage. Every Birthday and holiday and anniversary date would leave him physically ill for his partner’s wife and children. He felt guilt for every date he should be celebrating in his own life.  He felt anger, he felt lost, he had so many unanswered questions.  It took a toll on his marriage. For as much as he loved her, he didn’t feel he deserved happiness.  For as much as she tried to comfort him, he pushed her away.  For as much as his babies loved him, he couldn’t get past the guilt for those left without their daddy.  He turned to the bottle first, but it was too risky. He had to feed his kids.  He ended up doctor shopping for prescriptions to numb the pain legally.  His dedication to his duty started to wane as did the duty to his family.  He ended up on administrative leave for a bit, then scraped his way back to duty.  He ended up on the couches of friends, or women for weeks at a time, then managed to inch his way back into her life. Each time she would confront him he would rage with defensiveness in an attempt to avoid his truth.  She begged him to seek help. He refused. His anger ever growing, her patience ever fading, he returned home one day to changed locks and a court order taped to the door of the home they built together.  

Too much.  It was all too much to bear. He had lost the only thing he had left. No one to comfort him. No one to wake him when the nightmares wouldn’t stop. No one to try endlessly to convince him it wasn’t his fault. He had pushed her too far. He had expected too much. He had once again, failed the one who meant so much to him. There was no escaping, in his own eyes he was nothing but a failure.

She sat in the floor of their closet, looking up at the empty hook and hanger, knowing she would never see the uniform he wore when he took his life. She wept as she wondered how they would go on without him. For as much as she could no longer tolerate his behavior, for as much as she couldn't tolerate his indiscretions, she never stopped loving him, he was the love of her life. She just needed him to get help. If she had known… if she had ever thought for one minute….

Her head in her hands as she wept for him, for the times they shared, for the times she dismissed him, for the moments she ignored him, for her own mistakes he had forgiven, for the memories they made, for the children he left behind. Her heart broken knowing the sacrifices he had made all those years for so many in need. All those he helped, all those who had hated him, all those who had mocked him, all those who had turned their back on him simply because of his badge…. And now, because he could take no more he wouldn’t even be honored for the good he did. He would only be remembered for that one moment he couldn’t take the pain any longer.  And there she was, in the floor of their closet, left to feel she had failed him, left to carry the pain, left to carry the weight, left to find a way, somehow, to ensure her children knew he was a hero.  She vowed that day to teach her children there was always a light after darkness. There was always a better tomorrow. There was always a reason to keep moving forward. And she prayed each night she was strong enough to believe her own words.  ©TPWL

If you or someone you know is suffering, contact Safe Call Now or 1st Responder Treatment. There are resources. There is help.

Monsters in the night; they continued to make their presence known to her. Despite his efforts to conceal them, despite his attempts to bury them, there they were. 

It was as usual; him arriving home, late as always. She used to ask if it was a drunk driver or if that accident on the news was what kept him, she no longer had to.  Their years together in this life of law enforcement let her know, just by the gait of his walk, the movement of his body, she knew.  He would arrive home, sit in the chair he still scolded her for paying too much for but longed to sink into after a shift gone bad, his head rested in his hands, rubbing that bald head as he looked at his boots, almost wishing they would remove themselves. 

They had their own language.  He spoke in full sentences just by catching her eye.  She responded with three simple words which said all that needed to be said in that moment… “I love you”.  It said everything he needed to hear and he knew it meant so much more.  They said enough, with his eyes, with her simple words, to communicate volumes.  It was what he needed and it was what she had learned to give, together with what she needed to reserve for the moment.  There were times, here and there, that she would notice he had already removed his boots before entering the house… she knew exactly why and took that as her cue to pay extra attention to his mood.  She had learned the one thing he would not bring inside their haven was someone else's remains.  She would find herself watching him, as he lugged himself to the bathroom, the sound of Velcro a double edge sword as he removed his vest.  That sound, the ripping of the Velcro, held so much symbolism.  The ripping of Velcro after a shift was the sweetest relief, the proof of a safe return, a twelve hour long anticipated proof of life.  Velcro before a shift invoked immediate anxiety which was quickly put in its place.  A battle cry of sorts…. The ripping and replacing the Velcro - just so… perfectly so; armor, protection, an added chance of victory against an unstoppable enemy.

The mirror in their bathroom gave her a view from a distance.  As she lay in bed waiting on him to collapse she would watch him. On a good day he would balance his phone on top of the shower door, his playlist helping him decompress, she couldn’t help but smile as he did his best imitation of voice and dance as he let go of all he carried home on his shoulders that day.  On a bad day she would find herself holding back tears as she watched him rest his forehead on the shower wall, the steam rising as he tried to allow the scalding water to wash away the nightmares forming in his mind of a day he knew and she knew, he could never erase.   Today was one of those days.  The bad days.

She watched him, studied him…. It had been years of this, this crazy life of theirs.  She still looked at him with a love even she felt hard to comprehend at times.  Dear God, how she loved him, she felt guilty on the bad days, watching him in the shower, she knew he was struggling, yet still, watching him she longed for his body next to hers.  Intimacy was a second thought at the moment, knowing his state of mind, yet she still longed for his warm skin and strong arms wrapped around her, she allowed him his time….his time to decompress, his time to allow all which continued to spin around and replay in his mind to settle, always knowing settled by no means meant resolved.  She prepared as she watched him, for she knew what was to come.

It would start with mumbling, sometimes a twitch of a leg or an arm.  On a really bad night she would suffer an elbow to her ribs, or on rare occasion she would force him awake as he began to place her in a choke hold, his apologies so profuse as he held her, kissing her over and over as he swore he would never, ever hurt her.  Most times it was just the slide of her foot over to his side of the bed, just enough to stir him, just enough to interrupt the monsters which took over his sleep.  There were times he would wake himself, finding himself sitting straight up, sweating, not knowing what brought him there….he would sink back into peace as he encompassed her with his body.  She would never forget him calling her his “kryptonite”…the one thing he couldn’t overpower, his weakness. She was his refuge, his sanctuary, the one place he could let go of his duty to the public.  She was his haven.  She held those words as close to her heart as she held him.  She knew he needed that escape. She knew she was the one who could give him that…. She also knew she could take it away.   She made it her mission to never take it away.

Tonight was one of the bad nights; the nights when nothing could keep the monsters at bay.  She was never sure who was walking the halls of his memory.  The baby he couldn’t save, the pregnant mother he held as she lay dying in his arms on a cold highway, the teenager he had mentored for years who ended it all with a single shot gun blast to the head.  The gang bangers he found himself facing, outnumbered, waiting for backup, exposed in a battle which he prayed he survived.  Inside a cruiser, trying to end a pursuit before it ended an innocent’s life as he felt the wheels lose traction as he saw pavement coming into sight before he awoke days later wondering why he was in a hospital bed.  She never knew what triggered it, she never knew which monster was visiting, all she knew was his peace, if even momentary, was in her hands.   She gently grabbed his shoulder from behind, slid her hand across his chest….she felt him shake himself awake and look to her in confusion.  His chest, clammy with sweat as she held him and said those three words, plus two, which were the equivalent of his kryptonite…. “I love you…. now sleep”. ©TPWL  Written by Melissa Littles

We've all heard the phrase..."there's something about a man in uniform". For those who have done nothing more than enjoy the view, there is a lot more to consider before making a decision to be a part of all the uniform entails. Being the wife of a police officer is not for the weak, nor the self centered, nor the needy, clingy, insecure or high maintenance type of woman.

I remember him calling me for the first time on his lunch break from his patrol car. Within ten minutes it became very clear that if a relationship with a police officer was anything like trying to carry on a simple phone conversation with a police officer, challenging was going to be an understatement. Between the radio squawking in the background to the interruptions of other officers talking back and forth, his attention being distracted by passing traffic and the mid-sentence "I have to call you back", which happened at least five times during that first 30 minute conversation, I knew I was in store for something on a whole other level.

Being a police wife or "LEO wife" as we are known, is quite the interesting life. Police marriages fall victim to an extremely high divorce rate, and there is a good reason for that. Let me start off by saying just as in all professions, there is good and bad in everything somewhere down the line. It is true that there are good cops who honor the badge and bad cops who don't. Those who uphold their duty as officers and honor the badge far outweighs those who do not. And those who do not should be held accountable for abusing their power and should be stripped of it and punished accordingly. Just as in all professions, the good cops will tell you they have no appreciation or tolerance for those who misuse their power and in turn, contribute to the negative image many have of the police. It is difficult sometimes even talking to family or close friends about a life in law enforcement due to so many misconceptions of the true character of the majority of officers. Many times you are immediately brushed off by those who really aren't interested in hearing about it because being married to a cop, people either love you or hate you. The fact remains, whether you love cops or hate cops, everyone dials 911 when they have an emergency, and if you are one who considers the police an enemy, you are still the first to expect them to be there to assist you. Regardless of your opinion of them, they will still be there in your time of need. As the saying goes....."Hate cops? Next time you're in trouble, call a crackhead." Let me know how that works out. That being said, I, like so many other LEO wives, am married to a good cop. This is our story.

The abnormalities of a LEO wife's day begin with the shift. We do not base our days on normal hours, our days coordinate with whatever shift our LEO is working. There is no such thing as a standard 8 hour day in the life of a LEO or a LEO wife. In an average week you will have several days where the end of his shift comes many hours after it ended. A simple traffic stop turns into a drug bust, another officer calls for backup, there is a multiple vehicle collision and they need more officers. A LEO wife learns to cook dinner for her family, and keep a plate warm in the oven. In a LEO household dinner can be midnight or later, breakfast is at lunchtime, and lunchtime can be as late as 9:00p.m. There are many times I will try and meet my husband somewhere for "lunch" only to be left waiting because a call came in while he was in route to eat, or I will end up going home without ever seeing him at all. Times he will plan to come in for dinner are often thwarted for the same reasons. All that effort you put in marinating that steak, or fixing his favorite dessert will most times go unnoticed. You will put your children to bed most nights alone while explaining that Daddy loves them, he's just out making sure we're all safe. You will sleep with one eye open, both ears focused on the sound of the garage door and your cell phone on your pillow. Your children will learn to recognize the sound of the garage door opening at a very early age, and they too will sleep a little better after Daddy comes in and kisses their little cheeks.

Holidays, special occasions, anniversary's and birthdays are just days you must be prepared to work around. My LEO works lake patrol in the summer months. For us, there is no such thing as the Fourth of July or Memorial Day or Labor Day. We will never be available for the family reunion or summer picnic on any of those three day weekends. If you want to take your children to see fireworks, be prepared to go alone because not only does he work all weekend, he is working mandatory overtime 12-16 hour shifts. And although if he does have seniority he can actually get the holiday off, chances are he will sign up to work overtime, trying to get ahead just a little bit....after all, one may think you would get a little more money in the bank by walking around with a bull's eye on your back for a living, but for some reason, all that public service comes at one heck of a bargain.

Trying to have a date night is always interesting. You will wait longer to get a table where he can face the door. You will watch him scope out the lobby on the way in for anyone he has previously arrested and you will not get through the meal without another officer calling his cell. You will be grateful if you can keep him awake after you get home, as chances are you squeezed in date night after a shift anyway, and you will learn to not take it personally when even at your best, you cannot compete with his exhaustion.

Grocery shopping or trips to crowded locations can become a game of "I spy a felon". You quickly learn the "aisle over" strategy. When your LEO suddenly announces "don't turn around" or "we need to get out of this aisle now" or "wait, wait, wait....ok go, go, go", your instincts may be to want to know who we are avoiding and what the story is behind it, but you will learn quickly to follow instructions and ask when you get to the car. You will also get the "walk away" lesson. If you are ever with your LEO in public, especially with your children and you are told to "take the kids and go" or "walk the other way now", you will learn to shake off the instinct to remain by his side, and without question, you will do as you are told. This is not a control issue by any means and you will learn to recognize there is a very big difference between your husband being controlling by ordering you around and your LEO husband recognizing a situation in which he needs to protect you from those that recognize and hate him, and those he does not ever want to recognize you as his wife when he is not with you.

You will also learn to laugh at things you never imagined, such as the phrases only a LEO family could consider "normal"....."Honey, another hooker peed in my car, I have to go by the City garage and hose out the back before I come home"......"Honey, I've got 10lbs of pot to inventory, I'm going to be late, oh and head's up, there's blood all over my shirt". "Honey, there are a bunch of cows in the road by the tracks, I've got to run some traffic control before I can get home"...."Honey, some idiot is naked at the sno cone hut, hey did you know they have coconut now?".

You will learn that even when you are having a really bad day and you just need his shoulder to lean on or his ear to bend, you may have to wait. And when you do have the chance to vent be prepared to be hung up on, interrupted or only partially paid attention to or heard over the noise of the radio, which never stops and is always heard first. When you accept that your needs will have to wait until the end of the shift, be prepared to have him snoring almost instantly as you begin to finally vent.

You will find a way to tune out those "breaking news" alerts on the local news when he is on duty. Whereas in the beginning you would instantly call his cell to make sure he's alright, over time you have learned that he won't answer if he's in the middle of something and calling only to get no answer will really leave you worried that he's hurt or in trouble. You will learn to remember that he is also fully aware he is on the nightly news and will call you as soon as he can.

You will learn not to ask how his day was. He will share what he needs to, bottle up what he has to and act like everything is fine when it isn't. You will know when it was a bad day without asking and you will be there if he chooses to share, but you will learn that not sharing does not mean not caring. It just means reliving it is not appealing before dinner, and some of the horrific images embedded in his mind he would love to find a way to forget.

You will learn that a Police Officer lives his life on duty. There is never a time he does not feel compelled to be alert and as the saying goes "prepared for anything, anytime, anywhere". You will learn not to be annoyed at his repeated instructions to "be aware of your surroundings", "watch your speed", "park close to an exit" and "never let the gas light come on in your car". Although there are times you want to scream "I AM NOT A TEENAGER, I GET IT!", you will learn that it is just the way he is wired as he sees so much that he never wants to happen to you and your children.

Being the wife of a Police Officer means you must be as dedicated to his love of the job as he is. The first step toward that order is realizing it is not a job to him. It is who he his. There is a reason Police Officers choose a profession with low pay, horrible hours, immense stress, non-existent holidays and a huge potential for danger. It is because they are called to duty. They are compelled by a desire to help those in need, to make a difference....to protect and serve. Being the wife of a LEO means having a mutual respect and understanding of that fact and being willing to make the continual compromises and sacrifices to enable your LEO to be able to head off into the night in the best frame of mind he can possibly have.

Being a LEO wife means putting your husband first, not out of a sense of duty or out of submission or control, but out of love and respect for all he faces each time he walks out the door. You will learn to understand that being frustrated is normal, but being resentful and angry is not an option. Things that are a huge deal to most wives such as holiday traditions, the perfect birthday party, the family photo shoot scheduled for weeks, a date night you spent a month looking forward to, the biggest football game of your son's high school senior year, your baby's first ballet recital....all of those things to a LEO wife are considered just something else she may end up dealing with alone. Frustrating? Absolutely. Disappointing? Always. Worth sending your LEO out into danger knowing you are furious with him? Never. A LEO wife will learn to hold her tongue, tell him she loves him, kiss him goodbye, and say a prayer that he comes home so she can yell at him later. We are human, we still want what we want, but we learn to see the bigger picture.

My three year old son loves his Daddy. You will find more "PoPo" cars in the toy chest than any other toy. He idolizes his father and even at only three years of age, he understands there is something about what Daddy does that makes it a big deal. When Daddy leaves for a shift my son MUST go to the driveway and wave good-bye as Daddy turns on his lights and pulls away. It is a ritual that our son came up with all on his own. My son can also instantly recognize the sound of the garage door and knows the difference between the sound of Daddy's engine and that of his teenage sisters. He will stop anything he is doing and run for the door when he knows Daddy is home. Nights that we spend alone we pray together that Daddy will help keep everyone safe and that he will come home soon. My son always asks me to "promise" that Daddy will come see him when he gets home if he is asleep. They say children can sense things and I absolutely believe he understands there is a reason it is a big deal when Daddy leaves and an even bigger deal when he returns.

There are many many times I wish for a moment of selfish indulgence. Although I cannot remember the last time I wished for something just for me. Instead I wish for "us". I wish for no radios or pagers or on call weekends. I wish for alone time and snuggle time and quiet moments of peace. I wish for certainty of safety and a guarantee of growing old together. I understand no one has that guarantee and most couples with children and careers and busy lives wish for the same things, but for me it seems so constantly unattainable. Oddly, you would think that the longer you have been married to a LEO, the easier it gets. For me at least, it seems to get more difficult in certain ways. The longer I am with him, the more I see, the more I know and the more it makes me realize how real the dangers can be. Being supportive of sending your best friend out into danger each day is not always easy but part of being a wife is supporting his dream. I knew from the moment I met him what I was signing up for. I wouldn't trade it for the world. My husband is a wonderful man with a work ethic like no other. He works day and night to support his family and protect his community. He has been called to this line of duty and I am one of those LEO wives who literally beams with pride when I see him in that uniform. He is an amazing father, a loving and supportive husband and as hard as it is to find time for each other, we manage to make it work. He is my best friend and I cannot imagine a day without him in my life.

There are many people out there that view cops as lazy, crooked, donut eating fools with a chip on their shoulders and pride swelling due to a gun toting power trip. As stated above, there are bad people in every profession. There are also good people in every profession. For the good ones, consider and remember this.....Police Officers live each day fully prepared to lay down their lives for any given stranger at any given moment. They spend countless hours away from their family to help protect yours. They will face those persons with nothing to gain when they themselves have everything to lose. They begin each shift knowing it could be their last, and they have the added stress of knowing their spouse and children are home waiting, hoping and praying they never see the Captain at their front door. I love my LEO.

In 2010, 161 officers were killed in the line of duty. 161 sons, daughters, mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, husbands and wives who will never kiss their families again. They died protecting and serving the citizens and non-citizens of this country. They died at the hands of repeat offenders, parolees, drunks, drug addicts, political and religious radicals. They died helping innocent people change flat tires. They died responding to traffic accidents and domestic disputes. They were murdered in cold blood making routine traffic stops. They died doing what they were called to do, regardless of the circumstance.

Be grateful for our Police Officers.


A side note....

Since publishing this article, it has been viewed over 250,000 times, shared on Police Department web sites, LEO wife support sites and various Police news and magazine sites. The positive support and feedback has been overwhelming and I would like to add this to simply acknowledge how wonderful it is to see so many LEO's, LEO wives and family members of LEO's be able to relate to so many of the things written in this article. There has also been so much support from all over the US and other countries from people with no connection to any LEO in their families, thanking me for bringing awareness to what life as a LEO and a LEO wife entails. There has been extremely little negativity regarding this article, and I am actually very nicely surprised by that. Out of over 20,000 views and over 100 comments to date, I have received only 3 negative comments, which I did not post, only because I do not want this to become a forum for debate or argument or have anything distract from the purpose of this article. This is not a discussion board, and there is a time and place for debate. I want this article to be an uplifting voice of encouragement and positivity for LEO's and their families.

I do wish to address one comment received, oddly enough, from a LEO wife. Her opinion of this article was that I was trying to gain "glory" and hero status of my own simply for being married to a LEO. She found it appauling that I would make a suggestion about those who have merely "enjoyed the view". She suggested I was imputing a "god-like" status to LEO's and LEO wives and belittling those in other lines of work who make daily, dangerous sacrifices as well. To that I would say, my article is about Police Officers. It is not about oil field workers, firefighters, EMT's, coal miners, loggers, construction workers or the countless others who are in harms way just by going to work each day. I have no reason to write a personal account about that which I do not know. Just as I cannot speak for the countless wives and husbands of our Troops who's daily sacrifices far outweigh that of which the majority of us can comprehend, and to whom I could never express enough gratitude. My article is in honor of my husband and all the other LEO's who are heroes in their own right. Praising one does not equal the diminishing of others. I have never and would never think that what my husband does every day somehow makes what anyone else does less important or dangerous. Or that my role as his wife somehow makes my wife status more important than anyone else's. My comment about those who have simply "enjoyed the view" is made specifically to those who have done just that....looked at all the calendars of hot shirtless cops, or flirted with a police officer to try and get out of a ticket, or for those who simply see a uniformed police officer and shrug with loathsome disrespect. It was meant to say..."there is a whole lot more about that uniform and the character of the man/woman wearing it than you might understand, and you should know if you don't, and be aware if you're not". The entire point of this article is to make it clear that our LEO's are heroes and regardless of all the sacrifices LEO spouses make each day, those sacrifices are well worth making to ensure our heroes have the love and support they need to face what they face each and every shift. There is no question that it takes a certain kind of person to be able to remain consistently patient and understanding and selfless regardless of the circumstance. Do I think that in someway makes me an angel deserving of "glory"? Absolutely not. I do think it is proof positive of my intentions in writing my article....our LEO's need good women/men as spouses to appreciate all that comes with the uniform and all of us fail at times, get frustrated at times and need some encouragement to remain focused...certainly me included. This article is is about being supportive and appreciative despite the multitude of upsets. It is about remembering to appreciate each day and never take it for granted. As stated before, I LOVE MY LEO