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Exhaustion - An Officer's Kryptonite

9/16/2014

6 Comments

 
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"I'm fine"
"It's all good"
"I'll get a Red Bull or some coffee, I'm good"
"It's just four extra hours, we need the money"
"We can open presents on my lunch break, it's holiday pay"

Overtime, grant shifts, off duty security..... it's the way many officers pay their mortgages and buy groceries.  For those who literally find a way to live with extra jobs, it is mind blowing that there are so many departments that don't allow officers to work off duty security.  Those are the officers with completely separate jobs on the side.  They have lawn services, pest control services, construction jobs....whatever it takes to pay the bills.  We are no different.

We went from a two income household to one. Within a year we went from doing pretty great after 15 years in with two incomes to struggling to avoid foreclosure on our newly built home after a diagnosis of autism, dysphagia, apraxia and seizures in our son.  Medical bills piled up, I couldn't keep my job because of all the therapy and specialist appointments... co-pays after insurance jumped quickly to over $600.00 a month... we lost over $4,000 a month in income with me staying home. It didn't take long for it to hit us like a brick.

So, he does what he does.  My husband, the police officer, heads off to his normal 40 hours per week, which never remains just 40 hours.... he picks up every DUI and seat belt enforcement grant shift he can, every estate sale, school dance, football game, pharmacy security, church security, funeral escort....you name it.... if he can work it, he will sign up for it.  Because we need the money and he will do whatever it takes to provide for his family.

7:00 a.m., he leaves for regular shift.  4:00 p.m. he comes home to inhale whatever I've made, or he doesn't come home and grabs something on the way to whatever he's working. 11:00 p.m. he drags in, gets in the shower and falls in bed.  "I'm fine.  I missed you. Don't tell me you feel bad for me. I'll do anything to take care of you and my son".   The teenager's car breaks down..... the other teenager needs help with a car payment....  "Don't worry, I'll find a way".  We owe my mom money... "I'm trying to sell the old fridge in the garage and I have a divorce property division job on Saturday, we'll be alright".    "Babe... I'm working the OU game Saturday and I need to help with a charity event Sunday....don't look at me like that....I'm good... babe... I'm good".

Change the names, change the circumstances, insert your life here. 
We all know too well just how many officers live this way. 

It's like a form of forced denial.  I've always done it.  I've done it before.  It's just one more night. I can do it.   I'll be alright.  It's night shift....I'll be so busy I won't have time to be tired.  Baby....it's a school dance...c'mon, please. That's easy money.  Sound familiar?

Seventeen years...... it's never changed.  He's always been who he is.  He's always done what he does.  He's always been "just fine".  He's always pushed through it. 

Until he didn't.

The noise ringing in my ears.......the smell of gunpowder.  The panic.... where is our son?!? OMG, where is our son?!  Where did it hit?! WHERE IS THE ROUND?!  The neighbors! OMG....you have to run check on the neighbors! They're outside with their babies!   Our son.... our autistic son, stimming...rocking back and forth with his hands over his ears.... his service dog growling at me as if to say "how dare you do this to him, how could you?!"  

Exhaustion.  Pure, complete exhaustion. Too many hours, too little sleep. Bad judgment. Honest, but potentially dreadful error.  What if?  What if?  

Relief.  All is well.  No one hurt.  No one even noticed really... no one but us.  We more than noticed.  It meant much more than what actually happened. It changes everything.

How many times?  How many times have we been in bed together, reading Facebook, looking at stories about "accidental discharge"...... pssshhhhhtt.....  there's no such thing as an "accidental" discharge.  An idiotic discharge, yes.... accidental....no.  That was us.  Time and time again.  Gun safety in this house was as real as a Catholic's religion.  My husband wouldn't even take a pee break without locking his duty weapon in the safe.  Autism brings a whole new meaning to "gun safety".  The precautions we took made many laugh..... "a little over the top, no?"  Umm...no.  Our son has autism.  You want to give Rain Man a thought and see where he takes it?? I didn't think so.  He's soooo smart.  He loves guns.  He knows they're here.  He has autism. Enough said.    Well....almost enough. 


All it took was one too tired night.  All it took was "decompression" gone wrong.  No one was hurt.  Our son wasn't even near the chaos.... it doesn't matter though.  It happened.  An "accidental" discharge of my husband's personal weapon, inside the house. He was off duty.  It was not his service weapon.  That doesn't change it personally for us.

It is one of those humbling moments..... not the best option either.  It comes in many forms.  Our LEO's push themselves too hard, too much.  They wear that "S" on the chest because it is what they do. It is not just physical draining, it is emotional. 

Whether internal political upper brass comes into play, or emotional fallout from bad calls or critical incidents wears on them, or the chaos of home is brought to work.....nothing good can come from it.  

There is "THAT" kind of officer......family man
, friend, confidant, helper, saver, fixer, perfectionist....SUPERMAN/WOMAN.  You know who you are. You know exactly what I'm talking about.  

I have news for you...

YOU ARE NOT SUPERMAN. PERIOD. YOU ARE NOT.

You are a human being. You NEED rest.  Your body REQUIRES rest. Your heart, soul, emotional well being CRAVES restoration.   And you continually ignore it. 
We know why you ignore it. It is because of us. It is because of your family, your friends, your brothers and sisters. It is because you are desperately trying to keep your nose clean at work. You want that promotion. You want things a little easier on your family.  Hell, you just want to stay out of trouble! Even in your stress you're thinking about us. We get it.

You are our superman.  You are our Superwoman.  You are our Superheroes. 
You've forgotten yourself.
You are able to be there for us for only so long. It will catch up with you. It will greet you at the worst time. You will have to answer to it.  Or.... you can prevent it.

I love my husband with every fiber of my being. He is the best husband and father I could ever comprehend. He is overly cautious with us, it is part of what  is so appealing.  He is always in protective mode.   There is nothing that man wouldn't do for his family.   Tonight he is asking himself how he would live with himself if something else had happened. 

We share this not because it's a joy....but because it might be a needed wake up call to just one other person.

Exhaustion breeds complacency.  Complacency breeds errors. Errors are deadly.
We need all our families to be safe. 

If you are a LEO,   PLEASE, PLEASE ask yourself....do you need a break?  If the answer is yes, find a way.  If you are a LEO spouse, ask yourself....have you checked in lately? Have you seriously asked your loved one how they are?  Do it.  If you know they need a break, ask. Plan. Take measures in your own hands (easier said than done, how I know).   Take care of yourselves!


Blessings and prayers for safety to all our first responders tonight.

~Mel

Melisa Littles, Founder
The Police Wife LIfe



6 Comments
beth
9/16/2014 12:24:59 pm

This brought tears to my eyes. My husband and I were expecting our first child, it was my due date. My husband was cleaning his weapon in the dining room, I set up dinner on the floor of the living room. Called out to him to let him know it was reasy. Next thing I hear is the bang, then "oh fuck", "oh fuck"... my response was (beinf the smart ass that I am) what, did you shoot yourself? ... Yeah, that's exactly what he did. I can't even begin to describe everything that happened in the aftermath, but I can say we are all alive and doing well. My husband has since retired, and my daughter (yeah, it was a girl) has graduated from college...

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Kiddy
9/16/2014 12:55:48 pm

I haven't cried this hard in years! However once you have been part of the inner circle you can never walk away from it. Memories come rushing back at you at any time. I miss my LEO daily and he is always there in my mind and he has been gone 40+ years!

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Mokihana Pagaduan
9/16/2014 04:33:35 pm

Mel up until the accidental discharge I thought you were reading a page from the book of my life. I am a proud LEO wife. My husband has been an officer for 14 years and a Sergeant for 5 years. He holds 5 jobs. His "40 hour" day job. On call as airport security. Whatever off duties he can get. Part time at a gun shop helping out and repairing archery equipment and last but not least a graveyard security job every Saturday. God bless this wonderful man of mine. I pray we never have the scare like you did, but I understand how it happens. God bless your family.

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Ken
9/16/2014 04:57:33 pm

Wow..spot on. Caused me to look at myself, and consider some new rabbits. Overtime, Grant work, covering shifts and so many other reasons why we as officers tend to be exhausted all the time it seems. All so we can just get by....thank you for this article

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Keith Daniels Sergeant retired
9/18/2014 04:07:59 am

Mel and the ladies that commented. This is a brilliant piece of work. Thank you for taking on this task. Hopefully every officer and their spouse will read this. Having 31 years on the job I have certainly seen how the stress is dealt or not dealt with. We have created our own family blue wall simply by doing the things that you mention in the article. My wife has been with me during some of the most stressful of times and cases that could certainly lead to disaster one way or another. I thank her each and every day for the support she has given me. I look forward to your future blogs and writings.

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Christie
9/18/2014 10:17:48 am

My LEO has been on the job for 18 yrs just got promoted to Seargent recently. We have a daughter on the autistic spectrum. Gun safety is so important and saying don't take this OT job. Bills will always be there. Let's spend family time. My daughter is now 18. There is a huge commitment to her and with her dad as LEO doesn't help when she wants to go out other kids her age but have to ensure her safety knowing that she is with someone who will look out for her. He is a great LEO, Husband and Father! 5 more years. Can't wait to have him all to myself😊

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    Melissa Littles is a published author, blogger and legislative advocate for Law Enforcement Officers and their families, as well as an advocate for Autism.  To learn more, see our "About" section.

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